Tag Archives: toilet

iWake

The first thing I did when I walked in the room was make a bee-line towards her parents. I wasn’t prepared to face the brutal truth of the situation, so I embraced them instead. We kissed each others’ salty wet cheeks, and gave our best apologies, uncertain of what else to say.

As I was preparing myself to continue down the line and shake her older brother’s hand, I noticed a flash of light in the corner room. I turned around, and noticed Aaron kneeling over the casket with his iPhone out. I excused myself from the receiving line, and darted over to him, lifting him up by the shoulder pads in his suit jacket.

“What the hell are you doing?” I hissed through gritted teeth.

“What?” he replied, dusting off his jacket. “I was taking a TwitPic of the corpse. You know, just in case like, people couldn’t be here, and they wanted to see, maybe say some prayers at home. You gotta embrace the technology, man. Even in a funeral home. It’s no longer a local culture, you know?”

I refused to justify this with a response, and instead returned to my place in line, offering my condolences to her brother, and sharing lighthearted, humorous memories from the time we lived together. We laughed, however gingerly, as we reluctantly celebrated a life that had left us too soon.

Aaron, meanwhile, stayed focused on his phone. I shifted my position in an attempt to welcome him into the circle and encourage him to join in the conversation, but everyone grieves in different ways. “Whoa — did you know this place has a FourSquare deal?” he said, without turning his attention from the screen. “15% off your bill every 3rd check-in!” I excused myself from the rest of the group, and dragged Aaron away with him. He hardly even noticed, instead allowing himself to be moved with minimal force, until finally, he dug his feet into the ground. “Oh…” he said, letting the word hang and reverberate from his mouth. “She’s the FourSquare Mayor of her own wake. I guess that makes sense, I just…wow. I never thought about that. Do you think it would be rude to steal the mayorship? I mean, if I check in tomorrow at the funeral, I’ll have it, but I don’t want to like, hog the spotlight or —”

Without warning, I snatched the cellphone from his hands, shut it off, and put it in my pocket. “Get it together, and pay your respects,” I told him, and made my way towards the bathroom. The Men’s Room door opened up into the larger hall, so I carefully shut the door behind me, trying my hardest not to disturb the other mourners or even alert them to my presence. For some reason, urinating at a wake always seemed rude to me.

Unfortunately, it seemed that I had forgotten to lock the door, and as every guy knows, it’s nearly impossible to stop once you start letting it go. No sooner had I started then another guest opened the door without a knock — leaving me exposed with penis in hand to the rest of the wake. Under normal circumstances, I think she would have appreciated the embarrassment, or at least gotten a kick out of it, but it was difficult to explain that to her grieving parents.

The Ten Commandments (of Men’s Public Bathroom Etiquette)

Thou shalt wash they hands. With soap, as well as with water.

Thou shalt leave at least one urinal between thy neighbor and thyself.1

Thou shalt keep thy head in a locked position, focused intently on the wall in front of thyself, or directly at the ground beloweth.

Thou shalt not engage in verbal communication with thy neighbor.2 If thou must engage in verbal communication with thy neighbor, thy conversation shall not relate nor pertain to activities reserved specifically for the space in which thou art presently inhabiting3

Thou shalt not dilly-dally, solicit, or otherwise increase the length of one’s visit to the facilities beyond the minimum time required to engage in the specific bodily functions for which the location has been previously designated.4

When thou is forced to wait thy turn before utilizing the facilities, thou shalt leave ample physical space5 between thyself and the present user. Whilst waiting, thou shalt not impatiently hover over, beside, nearby, or engage in any other manner of prepositional relationship to the present user.

Even when thy physical waste is of a sallow disposition, thou shalt not let it mellow. When thou must engage in the 2nd bathroom option6, thou shalt twice flush thy water.7

Thou shalt not engage in any form physical contact with thy neighbor while occupying the designated facility space.8

Thou shalt not drop thy pants all the way to the ground and attempt to releaseth thy urine in an arc-shape by leaning backwards and aiming upwards.9

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s poop.10

    1 Thou art excused from this if there exists a wall to separate the urinals, or if thou art urinating in a trough, such as that which is commonly found at sporting events
    2 Unless thou hast entered the designated premises of the facility in the middle of such a verbal engagement*, in which case, the third commandment must be strictly observed.
    3 If you’re gonna talk, don’t talk about poop. PLEASE don’t talk about poop.
    4 Bathroom reading is a fantastical pleasure, but one that is reserved only for the comfort of one’s home. Please do not bring a newspaper in to a public bathroom with you 4.5
    4.5 Unless it is for wiping. Hey, it happens.
    5 This varies depending on the bathroom, but personal space is never more important than in a public bathroom. This isn’t the Greyhound bus.
    6 Only in emergencies.
    7 And make sure you cover the seat, either with toilet paper, or a seat cover. You don’t want to vicariously kiss butts with the large sweaty banker who just exited the stall.
    8 Even if you’ve washed your hands. A guessture as simple as a pat on the back can interrupt a user’s concentration and ruin his aim. Plus, it’s just uncomfortable.
    9 Only little kids can get away with that one, and that’s because it’s kind of adorable.**
    10 Dude. That’s just gross.
      *Or if you’re at a sporting event, and watching/discussing/cheering for the game. You can’t tell drunk sports fans what to do.
      **Even though you shouldn’t be looking at anyone ESPECIALLY CHILDREN in the bathroom, but c’mon, you know what I’m talking about, because we all did it. And it was awesome.***
      ***It’s not awesome if you’re a grown man and still do it though. Grow up.****
      ****It’s funny, ’cause we’re talking about poop. Hee-hee.