Tag Archives: Robert De Niro

Escape Route

What’re you more afraid of, zombie plagues
or tidal waves? Aliens or earthquakes?
Lava flash floods? Spontaneous combustion?
Werewolf terrorists? Tornadoes from the Black
Lagoon? What’s your contingency plan?

You should have a bag prepared, filled
with emergency supplies: water; flashlights;
batteries; matches; NASA food pouches;
one of those funky space blankets, maybe;
a whistle; some rope; a deck of cards.

Or better yet, scratch these words from
your list of acceptable adjectives describing
a potential home: rural, isolated, hot, cold,
populous, Southwestern, Transylvanian.
Unless you don’t have a problem dying unexpectedly.

You should probably avoid cities altogether,
too many unnecessary dangers. Rioting, disease,
economic collapse, subway accidents, indigenous
populations of subterranean mole people,
rat infestation, terrorism, Scientology.

I guess you can’t live by the coast, though, either:
tidal waves; tsunamis; asteroid impacts causing
sheer walls of salty water eighties stories tall
to descend upon your home; mutant jellyfish.
But honestly, who’d want to live away from the ocean?

Can’t go to Japan (Godzilla), China (communists),
Russia (Russians), or anywhere that’s too hot,
for fear of constant ultra-violet exposure.
Definitely don’t go to California, ever. Deathtrap.
Australia’s nice, if you want dingoes to eat your baby.

There’s no escaping it; you are going to die
where you live unless you find a way to escape
to somewhere less deadly, though it’s fairly
safe to assume you’ve got a good chance of
dying there, too. Not gonna lie, it sucks to be you.