Tag Archives: police

An Official Message From the Boston Police Department: If You Got Arrested at this year’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade – You Probably Did Something to Deserve It

“Congratulations. You’re our first customers today who haven’t come straight to the bar to order Irish car bombs.”

“But…it’s only 12:02.”

“…”

“And you guys don’t open til noon.”

“Yeah.”

“So you’ve only been open for 2 minutes.”

“…”

“And there’s no one else here.”

Yeah.

“…”

“…”

“…Oh.

“Yeah.”

Lamentations Of A Major-City Police Officer

It’s fine.
No, things are fine.
Just don’t occupy anything.

They’re occupying everywhere here. Everywhere.
If you’re not occupying anything, you’ll be OK.
We’ll handle it.

Over there, out there, it’s all flash.
Puffing their chest, putting on a show.
People get scared and they look away.

Here, everyone talks. Everyone’s got something to say.
We walk up, subtle, put a gun in your side, tell you:
“Come on, don’t make a mistake.”

We can’t wait til the cameras aren’t on, though.
Everyone has them, we can’t get away.
They’re everywhere.

Massachusetts License Plate 24T-HIO

A-pedal left, a-pedal right, a-pedal side-by-side
down Massachusetts Avenue, headed swiftly Cambridge-side,
when by the corner of mine eye a creature did appear
who rode atop a dark blue steed and wreaked of hate and fear.

Though I held green, the beast turned right on red, so full of pride.
He cast no glance around him — I careened into his side!
“What are you, fucking retarded?” he spoke, “You dumb fuckin’ little shit!
I’ve got four fucking wheels, so get off the goddamn road you asshole!”

I turned to him in shock with piercing daggers in my eyes:
“Indeed, good sir, you broke the law — and neither did you rhyme!”
“Fuck you, you little cocksucker. I’ll hit you again if you don’t get out of my fucking way!”
I said I’d call the men of law to see what they had to say.

He disembarked his steed and lumbered forth in my direction,
“Go on you fucking prick, I fucking dare you. Go ahead, call the fucking cops. You’re the god damn retard here.”
“Forsooth, dear sir!” I doth protested, “for thou art in the wrong!”
“You shit-eating little pussy, go ahead. Here’s my fucking license plate.”

With that burst, he mounted back upon his armored steed
and drove away, leaving me to contemplate his deed.
I paused for breathe, considering the issue challenged me.
I grabbed my phone, called 911, and told them everything.

So I write to you, owner of blue jeep with a license plate of 24T-HIO:

Have fun paying off my college loans when I sue your ass for aggravated assault with a motor vehicle, dick.