Tag Archives: Harry Potter

Poem for Brian McGackin

A short, simple burst of verse that appears
at first mundane, a slacker’s sonnet, a simple
twist of words that somehow still obscure these
patterns, little games of surreptitious puns and
plays on phrase that only the most astute readers
will pick up on, pick upon, between the subtle
allusions to Seal, or Harry Potter, or, inevitably,
soccer, this false banality that hides a sense
of suffering, of Guinness, of meaning that is
all too often missed though it’s clever when it
lets you in and waives its endless turnpike fees,
a strong syllabic voice that set this website
into motion, keeps my sentences on track, even
when he was kind of a dick about it; but in the end
the purpose or intention is made clear, often
through a seemingly non-sequitur saying that sneaks
in at the climax, the culmination of a short
linguistic journey that illuminates in retrospect
the bullshit lines before it: Happy Birthday.

Haiku Review: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, part 2

This book might as well have been titled The Boy Who Cried “Draco.”

Chapter 16: A Very Frosty Christmas

Minister Scrimgeour
wishes for Harry’s aid v.
Voldy for Christmas.

Chapter 17: A Sluggish Memory

Harry gets homework
from Dumbledore: get Slughorn’s
Voldy memories.

Chapter 18: Birthday Surprises

Cheating, vanishing
classes, love potions, and Ron
gets poisoned. Good month.

Chapter 19: Elf Tails

Harry hires house-elves
to spy on Draco after
big Gryffindor loss.

Chapter 20: Lord Voldemort’s Request

More pensieve action:
Voldy kills fat old lady,
applies for a job.

Chapter 21: The Unknowable Room

Dobby finds Draco
using the old Dumbledore’s
Army room. Why, though?

Chapter 22: After the Burial

Luck potion helps when
trying to steal memories
from drunk professors.

Chapter 23: Horcruxes

Voldy hid his soul
in six magical objects:
two down, four to go.

Chapter 24: Sectumsempra

Untested spell use,
hospital stays, detention,
Quidditch, making out.

Chapter 25: The Seer Overheard

Psychic prof. proclaims
Draco triumphant, reveals
Snape betrayed Potters.

Harry gives friends luck
potion to defend castle,
leaves to find Horcrux.

Chapter 26: The Cave

Dumbledore, Harry
explore cave for Voldy’s soul
and fight off zombies.

Chapter 27: The Lightning-Struck Tower

Back at school, Dark Mark
shines (Draco’s doing). Snape kills
Dumbledore… wait, what?!?

Chapter 28: The Flight of the Prince

Battle rages while
Harry chases Snape, revealed
to be Half-Blood Prince!

Chapter 29: The Phoenix Lament

Night’s events explained:
Bill Weasley mauled by werewolf
(in human form—phew!);

luck potion saved lives;
Neville, Flitwick hurt; after
song, Fawkes gone for good.

Chapter 30: The White Tomb

A funeral for
Dumbledore; Harry, Ginny
break up; plans are made.

Haiku Review: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, part 1

The much-anticipated continuation: Book 6!

Chapter 1: The Other Minister

Muggle PM—and
readers—brought to speed by new
Minister, Scrimgeour.

Chapter 2: Spinner’s End

Snape’s a Death Eater!
He vows to aid Draco in
some sinister plot.

Chapter 3: Will and Won’t

Harry leaves Dursleys
early with Dumbledore, owns
Kreacher and Black’s house.

Chapter 4: Horace Slughorn

Dumbledore uses
Harry to convince an old
chair to teach again.

Chapter 5: An Excess of Phlegm

Fleur’s back! and engaged
to Ron’s brother Bill. Harry’s
back at the Burrow.

He tells Ron, Hermy
’bout prophecy and gets O. W. L. S.
grades; Auror is out.

Chapter 6: Draco’s Detour

Twins’ store huge success.
Harry, Weasleys visit, meet
muy shady Draco.

Chapter 7: The Slug Club

Harry, Ginny, and
Neville are invited to
special Slughorn lunch.

Then, stupid Harry
tries to spy on Malfoy, gets
beat up, left on train.

Chapter 8: Snape Victorious

Tonks rescues Harry.
Snape finally gets dream job.
Grawp upgrades housing.

Chapter 9: The Half-Blood Prince

Potions not so bad
without Snape: Harry wins luck
potion (with some help).

Chapter 10: The House of Gaunt

Private lessons with
Dumbledore! Voldy’s inbred
family researched.

Chapter 11: Hermione’s Helping Hand

Hermy cheats, helps Ron
keep Keeper spot. Hagrid’s sad;
his spider’s dying.

Chapter 12: Silver and Opals

Hogsmeade trip horror:
Chaser Katie Bell jinxed by
shady green necklace.

Chapter 13: The Secret Riddle

Stroll down Memory
Lane; Dumbledore lectures on
Voldy’s orphan past.

Chapter 14: Felix Felicis

Ron and Lavender
sitting in a tree, K-I-
S-S-I-N-G.

Chapter 15: The Unbreakable Vow

Snap, yo! Draco IS
up to something! And Prof. Snape
has some secrets, too!

Haiku Review: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, part 2

Harry is seriously so annoying in this book.

<em>Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Chapter 20: Hagrid’s Tale

What I Did On My
Summer Vacation, Hagrid
Edition: Giants

Chapter 21: The Eye of the Snake

Prof. Umbridge audits
Hagrid’s class. Harry kisses
Cho and bites Ron’s dad.

Chapter 22: St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries

Weasleys and Harry
head to hospital, visit
snake-bitten Arthur.

Harry overhears
adult conversation: he’s
possessed by Voldy!

Chapter 23: Christmas on the Closed Ward

Harry is angsty
until Ginny sets him straight.
Hermy ditches ‘rents.

Back at hospital,
Harry and co meet Neville’s
gran and addled mom.

Chapter 24: Occlumency

Snape and Harry start
anti-mind-reading lessons
(Dumbledore’s orders).

Chapter 25: The Beetle at Bay

Death Eaters escape
from Azkaban. Harry and
Cho go on bad date.

Hermione has
Rita Skeeter write Harry’s
story for Quibbler.

Chapter 26: Seen and Unforseen

Tabloid star Harry
sucks at Occlumency and
sees Voldy’s bedroom.

Meanwhile, Umbridge sacks
Divination prof. Sibyl;
Dumbledore hires horse.

Chapter 27: The Centaur and the Sneak

Centaur Firenze—new
Divination professor—
says war is coming.

Cho’s friend snitches so
D.A. disbands. Dumbledore
evades Fudge, arrest.

Chapter 28: Snape’s Worst Memory

With Dumbledore gone,
the twins take their mayhem to
a whole new level.

Then, Harry sneaks peek
at Snape’s worst memory: picked
on by Harry’s dad!

Chapter 29: Career Advice

Despite Umbridge’s
protests, Prof. McG vows to
help Harry find job.

Harry talks through fire.
Twins build portable swamp, fly
off into sunset.

Chapter 30: Grawp

Hagrid’s bro-giant
is hidden in the forest.
Weasley is our King.

Chapter 31: O. W. L. S.

Fifth years take tests. Fang,
McG knocked out. Hagrid sacked.
Sirius tortured?

Chapter 32: Out of the Fire

Harry’s annoying;
he won’t listen to reason
about Sirius.

Rescue plan devised
but thwarted by Umbridge,
who Hermy then deceives.

Chapter 33: Fight and Flight

Umbridge abducted
by centaurs. Then Grawp rescues
Hermy and Harry.

Ginny, Neville, Ron,
and Luna duel Slytherins;
all mount bat-horses.

Chapter 34: The Department of Mysteries

Flight to Ministry:
Harry and friends search for Black,
find only weird rooms.

Chapter 35: Beyond the Veil

Harry finds glass orb;
Death Eaters arrive, chase kids,
try to steal the orb.

The Order joins in.
Dumbledore to the rescue!
Black killed by cousin 😥

Chapter 36: The Only One He Ever Feared

Dumbledore! Voldy!
Duel of the Century! With
help from some statues!

Defeated, Voldy
retreats. Fudge finally sees
Dumbledore was right.

Chapter 37: The Lost Prophecy

Harry learns truth ’bout
Voldy: neither can live while
the other survives.

Chapter 38: The Second War Begins

The Wizarding World
now knows Voldemort is back.
Dark times lie ahead.

Harry heads back home.
The Order inform the Dursleys
they better be nice.

I guess Hogwarts needs
a new Defense Against the
Dark Arts professor…

Haiku Review: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, part 1

Book 5!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Chapter 1: Dudley Demented

Dudley’s soul almost
face-sucked out. Mrs. Figg knows
Harry’s a wizard?!?

Chapter 2: A Peck of Owls

Harry gets expelled;
his aunt explains dementors;
Dudley voms on porch.

Plus foreshadowing,
yelling, a bit of intrigue,
and so many owls.

Chapter 3: The Advance Guard

Hodgepodge wizard pack
lies to Harry’s guardians
and fly him away.

Moody, Lupin, Tonks,
Shacklebolt; how does Rowling
come up with these names?

Chapter 4: Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place

Who’s a little prat?
Harry is. He’s finally
with friends and flips out.

Chapter 5: The Order of the Phoenix

Sirius explains
the Order, updates Harry
on Voldemort news.

Chapter 6: The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black

Summer spring cleaning:
Grimmauld Place dolled up; house-elf
Kreacher hates Hermy.

Younger brother Black
is dead Death Eater. Blacks and
Malfoys: related!

Chapter 7: The Ministry of Magic

Apparently it’s
Take Your Youngest Son’s Best Friend
Harry To Work Day.

Chapter 8: The Hearing

Cornelius Fudge:
pretty much the wizarding
world’s own Judge Judy.

Dumbledore and Figg
to the rescue! Harry is
saved from expulsion.

Chapter 9: The Woes of Mrs. Weasley

Ron, Hermy: prefects!
Mommy Molly Weasley’s fear:
her family dead.

Chapter 10: Luna Lovegood

Only Harry and
Loony Luna Lovegood can
see weird bat-horses.

Chapter 11: The Sorting Hat’s New Song

Who is this Umbridge
joker, and why is Seamus
suddenly a tool?

Chapter 12: Professor Umbridge

Umbridge is a bitch.
She gives Harry detention
for telling the truth.

Chapter 13: Detention With Dolores

Harry gets “I must not
tell lies” tattooed on his hand
during detention.

Chapter 14: Percy and Padfoot

Sirius speaks through
fireplace. Percy sends Ron mail,
condemns Dumbledore.

Chapter 15: The Hogwarts High Inquisitor

Ministry passes
stricter school laws. Umbridge starts
reviewing the profs.

People seem perturbed
by Umbridge’s promotion;
Hermy has a plan…

Chapter 16: In the Hog’s Head

Hermy convinces
Harry to head up secret
dark arts defense club.

Less than legal club
formed in dingy side street pub?
Nothing could go wrong!

Chapter 17: Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four

All Hogwarts clubs banned,
including those recently
started up in bars.

Sirius attempts
firespeaking with Harry, has
near miss with Umbridge.

Chapter 18: Dumbledore’s Army

Start with the basics:
Harry teaches Dumbledore’s
Army to disarm.

Chapter 19: The Lion and the Serpent

Harry and the twins
are banned from Quidditch for life
post-punching Malfoy.

Make sure you come back
next week when we finally
learn where Hagrid’s been!

Haiku Review: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, part 2

Let us continue!

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Chapter 20: The First Task

Harry Accio’s
broom, avoids dragon, steals egg,
ties for first with Krum.

Chapter 21: The House-Elf Liberation Front

Ron stops being douche,
refriends Harry. Hermy finds
Dobby in kitchen.

Chapter 22: The Unexpected Task

Ron and Harry need
dates for the Yule Ball—Patil
twins will have to do.

Chapter 23: The Yule Ball

Pre-dance: snowball
fights, special socks, Fleur’s a bitch.
Dance: Hermy’s with Krum,

Fleur looks hot. Post-dance:
Snape is shady, Hagrid’s half
giant, Fleur’s a slut.

Chapter 24: Rita Skeeter’s Scoop

Skeeter’s exposé
on Hagrid’s past leads to brief
vaca from teaching.

Chapter 25: The Egg and the Eye

Bath time research leads
Harry to believe the next
task involves merfolk.

Then he gets tripped up
in trick step and loses school
map to Prof. Moody.

Chapter 26: The Second Task

Harry grows gills, saves
Ron (and Fleur’s sister) from lake,
shows moral fiber.

Chapter 27: Padfoot Returns

Big dog godfather
sneaks into Hogsmeade to dish
old magic gossip.

Chapter 28: The Madness of Mr. Crouch

Harry and Krum talk
Hermy, find crazy Crouch, and
go warn Dumbledore.

Chapter 29: The Dream

Harry passes out
in class and dreams a little
dream of Voldemort.

Chapter 30: The Pensieve

Dumbledore can’t
leave Harry alone for five
minutes; the boy snoops.

Harry sticks his face
in a bowl of gooey white
stuff and sees visions.

Chapter 31: The Third Task

Quidditch pitch maze holds
monsters and magic to pass
through for the third task.

Harry battles Sphinx;
Cedric battles Krum; both fight
spider, tie for cup.

Chapter 32: Flesh, Blood and Bone

Oh snap yo! The cup
was a portkey?!? Cedric killed;
Voldy gets new digs.

Chapter 33: The Death Eaters

Daddy Malfoy and
other Death Eaters return.
Voldy monologues.

Chapter 34: Priori Incantatem

Harry, Voldy duel;
Voldy’s victims’ shadow-ghosts
help Harry escape.

Hmm, I wonder why
Voldy can’t kill Harry. Will
this come up later…?

Chapter 35: Veritaserum

Oh $#!* Moody’s not
Moody! He’s Crouch junior, a
servant of Voldy!

Junior confesses:
killed Crouch senior, helped Harry
win cup/Voldy rise.

Chapter 36: The Parting of the Ways

Harry explains all
to Dumbledore. Minister
Fudge is a dumbass.

Chapter 37: The Beginning

Dumbledore tells school
Voldy’s back.Twins given cup
gold to start joke shop.

Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle
are hexed unconscious on train
for being douchebags.

I guess Hogwarts needs
a new Defense Against the
Dark Arts professor…

Haiku Review: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, part 1

My personal favorite of the seven!

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Chapter 1: The Riddle House

Voldemort is back,
killing witches and old folks,
Wormtail at his side.

Chapter 2: The Scar

Harry writes letter
to Sirius post-Voldy
dream; past books recalled.

Chapter 3: The Invitation

Grapefruit for breakfast,
World Cup invitation, and
birthday cake for brunch.

Chapter 4: Back to the Burrow

Dursley’s living room
destroyed; Dudley poisoned by
the twins’ cursed candy.

Chapter 5: Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes

Ginger twins aspire
to open joke shop. Harry
meets older Weasleys.

Chapter 6: The Portkey

Harry travels to
Quidditch World Cup by old boot,
meets Edward Cullen.

Chapter 7: Bagman and Crouch

Twins bet with bookie
Bagman, are bored by Crouch, both
Ministry high-ups.

Chapter 8: The Quidditch World Cup

Hot Bulgarian
chicks fight off leprechauns, turn
into angry birds.

Krum snags the snitch for
Bulgaria, but Ireland
wins, as twins predict.

Chapter 9: The Dark Mark

Death Eaters—Voldy’s
former friends—mess with Muggles
post-match. Party: pooped.

House-elf Winky sacked
when found with Harry’s wand ‘neath
Voldy’s calling card.

Chapter 10: Mayhem at the Ministry

Reporter Rita
Skeeter tears Ministry of
Magic a new one.

Chapter 11: Aboard the Hogwarts Express.

Mostly setup: talk
of Hogwarts, other magic
schools, Mad-Eye moody.

Kind of a pointless
chapter, now that I’m really
thinking about it.

Chapter 12: The Triwizard Tournament

No Quidditch this year.
Instead, deadly tournament
against other schools.

Chapter 13: Mad-Eye Moody

Draco Malfoy: the
Amazing Bouncing Ferret!
That’s Moody “teaching.”

(Books’ best line: “Can I
have a look at Uranus,
too, Lavender?”—Ron)

Chapter 14: The Unforgivable Curses

Moody teaches some
illegal spells, and maybe
hits too close to home.

First appearance of
Avada Kedavra. Plus,
Harry gets more mail!

Chapter 15: Beauxbatons and Durmstrang

Huge horses fly huge
woman’s students; sailboat sub
carries Krum and co.

The two other schools
competing in Triwizard
Tournament arrive.

Chapter 16: The Goblet of Fire

Cedric, Viktor, Fleur…
Harry? Four champions of
TRIwizard tourney.

Chapter 17: The Four Champions

Gryffindors are stoked,
but everyone else is
pissed Harry got picked.

Moody thinks someone
wants Harry dead and that’s why
he’s a champion.

Chapter 18: The Weighing of the Wands

Skeeter wants Haryy
as scoop; champions’ wands weighed;
Hermy’s teeth enlarged.

Chapter 19: The Hungarian Horntail

Dragon! A dragon!
I swear I saw a dragon!
…Wait…that’s Pete’s Dragon…

Hagrid lets slip first
task: dragons! Harry talks to
Black via fireplace.