Tag Archives: Halloween

Top 10 Blackface Halloween Costumes That Are Legitimately Acceptable And Totally Not Racist To Wear

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The 13 Types of Halloween Costume

There are an infinite number of possible Halloween costumes that any child or wistful adult can choose from each year, but did you know that there are only 13 different types of Halloween costume? It’s true, because of…reasons. Anyway, the type of costume a person chooses says much more about him or her than the costume itself, so it’s important to know which type you are.

I’ll use a fairly popular costume, the bumblebee (no, I don’t know why it’s so popular), as a template to describe each of the 13 types. The first few types refer to what the costume is, while the rest refer to how the costume is put together, so note that many of these can and do often overlap.

1. SexyYou look good, and you like that you look good, and you’re not afraid to show that you look good…but you have standards. Your bumblebee costume is form-fitting and likely to earn you a few compliments, but it’s tasteful. You wouldn’t be afraid to wear something similar on a first date.

2. Slutty—Aside from the glittery wings and the black and yellow striped mini-skirt, it’s hard to tell that you’re actually dressed in a costume and not just going to the club. People are going to tell you that you look great, but secretly they’re talking behind your back about how trashy you are. If you’re merely looking for an excuse to show off your chest, back, butt, or abs, this is the costume for you.

3. Cute—Maybe you’re in a relationship, maybe you’ve been too busy to get to the gym as much as you’d like, or maybe you aren’t the kind of person who is obsessed with looks, good, bad, or indifferent. Or maybe you just think bumblebees are fun. Cute means something different to everyone, but generally it’s easy and inoffensive while remaining in the spirit of the day.

4. Clever (also known as Funny or Look How Quirky And Cool I Am)—”No, no, no. I’m not dressing as an actualbumblebee. I’m dressing as a can of Bumble Bee Tuna Bumble Bee Tuna. My friends are dressing as a literal Chicken of the Sea and a star that kisses people. We’re gonna look so cool!”

5. Intelligent (also known as Nerdy or Boring)—”No, no, no. I’m not dressing as a bumblebee. I’m dressing as Apis mellifera scutellata, the African honey bee. My friends are dressing as Apis mellifera ligustica and Apis mellifera iberiensis. We’re gonna look so cool!”

6. Current (also known as Topical or Less Original Than It Seems)—”No, no, no. I’m not dressing as a bumblebee. I’m dressing as the Transformer Bumblebee. My friends are dressing as Optimus Prime and Megatron. We’re gonna look so cool!”

7. Stale (also known as False Clever or Delusional)—”No, no, no. I’m not dressing as just any bumblebee. I’m dressing as the girl from that Blind Melon video. My friends are dressing as Shannon Hoon and Rogers Stevens. We’re gonna look so cool!”

8. Scary—Some people never veer far from the true spirit of Halloween: scaring the bejesus out of others. Sometimes this means dressing as something legitimately terrifying like a clown or a blood-covered mental patient, and sometimes this means adding the word “zombie” in front of whatever costume is handy.

9. Weird—You know who you are, and yet you can never understand why people don’t get your costumes.

10. Advanced—You’ve got the wings, the antennae, and the stinger, and you made the whole thing yourself. A couple pieces may fall off throughout the night, but for the most part, people are going to applaud your hard work and crafting skills.

11. Hyper-Advanced—Why make your own bumblebee costume if you aren’t going to make it anatomically correct? You’ve been working on this outfit for months, cutting, sewing, and gluing every piece of black and yellow fabric you can get your hands on in an attempt to outdo every part-time crafter who thinks they can put together a decent costume in under a week. Amateurs.

12. Last-Minute—Uh oh. Halloween is tomorrow, and you still don’t have a costume! You don’t have time to put anything really complex together, but you can still come up with something good. Wait, what about that black and yellow sweater you got for your birthday? Hmm, you hate that sweater enough to cut it into a bumblebee costume! Oh, you can totally do this! Weird that the last-minute costume planning happens every year…

13. LazyIdgaf.

Which type(s) are you?

The Late Night Mistake Haiku

Hamburgers and fries
In the glow of the drive-thru
Clogs your soul with shame.

The Horror! The Horror!

Awoken from my dreadful slumber on the Devil’s Day, mine leering eyes did most suddenly happen upon the writhing, ranting, roaring masses of the web, violently screaming in frenzied fits of ecstasy broadcast in one hundred and forty characters or less at the sick injustice of Kim’s marital collapse, an act which shunned both sanity and sanctity, consuming the civilian concerns of a world engrossed in the Pagan traditions of change and revolution on that day.

I put my phone down and went back to bed for five minutes. But it wouldn’t go away.

Last Minute Halloween Costume Ideas (you’re welcome).

Sexy Zombie
Sexy Plumber
Sexy Lunch Lady
Sexy Flenser
Sexy Movie Theater Floor
Sexy Freelancer
Sexy MySpace Hooker
Sexy Ironic Hipster Douchebag
Sexy Objectivist
Sexy Juggalo
Sexy Spongebob Squarepants
Sexy Speaker of the House
Sexy “Life Coach”
Sexy Legacy Systems Archaeologist
Sexy Proctologist
Sexy Motivational Speaker
Sexy Drum Tech
Sexy Bacon
Sexy Crash Test Dummy
Sexy Sarah Palin