Tag Archives: google

“Which One?”

They found the bar on Yelp, which all three had agreed never to tell anyone. It was just a few doors over from the restaurant, and the night hadn’t felt over yet.

After succumbing to the pull of a third round, she goaded her boyfriend with words and elbows to tell Sid the story of when they had watched a drunk girl fling herself at him. “Like I wasn’t even there.”

Neil dutifully ran it down, through the confused phone call the next day. “I let Carol answer. Short call.” They all laughed, loud enough that people at the bar looked over despite the throbbing bass. “My buddy Barry at work, when I told him, he had the best reaction. He was so mad at me for giving her my real number.”

Sid leaned forward, the sofa cushion sliding under him. “Why?”

Smirking, Carol said, “Barry’s a douche.”

“He thinks infidelity is inevitable.” Neil didn’t make it clear if he was issuing a correction or giving support. “And he thought I was doing it wrong. He was all, ‘Dude, what are you doing? You get a second phone, keep it in your car, only check the messages.’”

“Again, like I wasn’t even there.”

Shaking his head, Sid sat back on the couch to look more relaxed. “A second phone? Really? That gets found. Google Voice made that outdated.”

Carol nodded and pointed. “Yeah, totally. And anyway, you can set your phone to automatically delete or hide certain messages.”

Sid looked at her across her boyfriend. She turned away and sipped her Moscow Mule. They both knew they had been a little too ready with this information. He rubbed his thumb across the raised letters of his beer bottle. They could only hope Neil hadn’t noticed.

Neil nodded along to the Kanye song that had just started, without seeming to realize he was doing so. “Yeah, man. It would get found. That’s some Walter White bullshit right there.”

She insisted on paying when they closed the tab. At each red light during the drive home, Sid took out his phone and balanced in his hand. Each time he stopped himself from sending her a text.

Top Ten “Top 10” Lists of 2011

  • 10. Top 10 Underreported Stories of the Year I think this is an interesting Top 10 list idea to tackle, because “underreported” — aka not popular, not top — indicates that these stories are anything but Top 10. So I commend Time for making an intrinsically hypocritical Top 10 list that is actually surprisingly informative and insightful.
  • 9. Top 10 Ways to Make People Believe You Are Not Drunk. Also known as “Top 10 Ways to Ineffectually Attempt to Mask All Signs of Alcoholism,” this list tries really hard to insist that no one will ever notice, despite the fact that its overall recommendation for hiding the effects of alcohol is just to sit there and do nothing for the entire night (which in turn kind of defeats the purpose of social drinking).
  • 8. Top 10 Sweatiest Movies. It’s about time someone compiled a list like this. I commend author Kate Witteman for her gall in even making this pitch to her editor. It’s an absurd concept that actually hooks on to our collective cultural curiosity.
  • 7. 2011 Top 10 Movies for Grownups. This one makes the list strictly because it was compiled by the AARP. And let’s face it, that’s funny. It’s not even that all of these movies focus on characters over 60 years old; they’re just “movies for grownups,” which is an incredibly absurd and ridiculously vague criterium. Even Hugo and We Bought a Zoo make the list.
    Bonus: 2011 Top 10 Albums for Grownups, a list that is much more in line with “Stuff Only Mom and Dad Like.”
  • 6. Top 10 Secretly Badass Animals. I’d never seen a Mantis Shrimp before I saw this list, let alone heard of one, but I can say with great confidence that my quality of life has vastly improved now that I have. Also, wombats. Who doesn’t love a wombat? Neither wom, nor bat, yet somehow, still incredibly — and, apparently, badass.
  • 5. Top 10 Topical Sesame Street Characters. The fact there have been enough topical Sesame Street characters to justify the creation of Top 10 list of said characters is proof alone that despite all threats of economic collapse and nuclear fallout, the future is inherently a good thing, and we’re all going to be okay in the end.
  • 4. Top 10 Short-Lived Celebrity Marriages. Obviously topped off by the whole Kardashian fiasco, this list is especially notable because it is indicative of the world in which we live. Future historians would be well served to examine this list to gain a better understanding of our celebrity-obsessed culture in which there have actually been enough short-lived publicity stunt marriages to garner such a list. And yet gay marriage is still such a hot-button topic…
  • 3.Top 10 Memes. Another impressive cultural indicator. The irony here, of course, is that “Arbitrary Year-End Top 10 Lists” did not make the list of Top 10 Memes. In an even greater tragedy, neither did Admiral Ackbar.
  • 2. Facebook’s Top Status Trends in the US. Another major hallmark by which Future Historians will judge our lives. What really gets me is that despite the fact that I pride myself as being someone whose finger remains on the pulse of Internet trends, I have no idea what “lms” or “tbh” means, even though they were apparently the most popular Facebook status trends of the year. (mumble mumble god damn kids mumble mumble off my lawn)
  • 1. Google Zeitgeist 2011 Top 10 Google Searches. A worldwide ranking of our most popular Google searches, this is a prime cut cross section of our modern culture. Hell, it’s even hard to be disappointed that Rebecca Black tops off the list. But I’m especially impressed that the non-existent iPhone 5 made the top 10. What does it say about our culture when fictional science (science fiction?) permeates the heights of our news and obsessions? I’ll leave that one to the Future Historians.

  • Honorable Mention: Top 10 People Not Running for President, because neither Michelle Bachmann, Mitt Romney, or Newt Gingrich is included.