Tag Archives: gay

That Was The Homophobic Girl I Poured A Beer On And Then Got Her Kicked Out Of The Bar That Was

I recently attended a bachelor party in a strange dystopian place that was not unlike a Terry Gilliam movie, and while I’m not legally allowed to speak of many details, there is one anecdote that I feel obligated to share.

At this point in the evening, we were, of course, terribly inebriated and acting generally inappropriate in public, as these things tend to go. For what it’s worth, this was fairly common in our chosen destination, and with the exception of one horrified mother, most people seemed to be entertained by our behavior. We met a group of girls, one of whom was celebrating her birthday. They appeared to share our debaucherous attitude, and agreed to pose for a photograph with the Man Of Honor.

Naturally, I decided to photobomb their picture with the Bachelor, because alcohol. Another friend in our group joined me in the fun, and we posed behind the group of girls with me kissing him on the cheek and both of us giving big goofy thumbs-up because that would obviously be hilarious (alcohol). One of the girls saw this, and with her face scrunched up in absolute disgust, she yelled: “Ew, you two are gay?!”

“Don’t worry, we can crop the faggots out of the photo,” replied the birthday girl. (The “faggot” and “gay” comments may have been reversed, depending on which witness you ask from our group)

Needless to say, I did not respond well to this girl’s comment. These girls definitely knew that we were with the Bachelor Party, and that there were much, much, much more offensive things happening nearby than two dudes messing with their friend’s photo.

Unfortunately, I was too shocked in the moment to say or do anything witty (a rare thing for me, I know). But as the evening wore on, I filled with rage every time I saw them (and then naturally forgot about it whenever they were out of sight and continued to have fun).

Some time later, we were deciding to leave, and after a brief conference with some of the guys I was with, we all agreed that it would be a fantastic idea for me to pour a beer on her head. We staged an elaborate domino train alibi, whereby one of the guys would bump into me on his way out, and I would trip and bump into another one of our guys, and then fall back and pour beer on the girl.

Long story short, I am the most amazing actor ever after I’ve been drinking for 15 hours straight because I was not very subtle in my beer pouring. After the planned bumps, I lumbered towards her with one conspicuously lethargic drunken elephant step and dumped the beer, but not before she had a chance to grab a glass with about an inch of water in it and throw it at me in response.

Unfortunately, she missed, instead hitting one of my other friends, at which point security promptly arrived and told the girl and her friends that they had to leave. “That faggot dumped a beer on me!” she screamed at the security guard, very clearly soaked from the beer that I had in fact poured on her. “I got pushed,” I said with a shrug, although it was probably more of a slur. But somehow it convinced him of my innocence, and the security guard brought the police over and they escorted the girls from the premises and in conclusion it was the best night ever and totally made up for the fact that I lost waaaaaaaaaaay more money that weekend than I wanted to.

Dad’s Diaries

Dad’s diaries are waiting in the top drawer of
a bed stand in the places that we go when we
get lonely for an hour. The paper-thin parchment
crunches when I turn the page, like autumn leaves
that fell from burning trees too soon;
translucent and impermanent, the noises
keep me company in every bawdy tomb.

I read my favorite stories to a girl that I
won’t Mary from the time when you were
thirty-two, and think of all the shit you carried
with you on your back (you never let it weigh
you down) and I am hoping to remember all
the things you taught me back when you were still around.

Dad, I see your diary was written down by
someone else’s hand, but I still remember
everything you taught me about how to be
a man. You’ll be glad to know your grand
daughter is working overseas where she is
farming in a fertile land and does it all for
free, and how I almost tied your grandson to
a fence the other day, but I just pelted him
with rocks until he bled out all the gay.

See, I’m trying hard to live my life
just the way you told me, or at least
the way I read it in this dusty little
story book where your friends had all
your best intentions written down.
But Father, I have got to ask how you
drank from that bloody glass and split
the fish while we were killing kingdoms
in your name, and how you loved the lonely
lepers and you knew your mother’s whore,
when you told me that the wicked
would not be let in your doors. But you’re
not around to give me all the answers
I might need, so I am forced to watch
as Mary takes my sixty bucks
for a fuck and leaves.

The War on Marriage

The War on Marriage won’t be waged with fighter jets or green platoons. Instead we’ll see soldiers suited up in homogenous suburban camouflage, blending in to raid their gated communities. There will be suicide bombers entering into self-destructing civil unions; dirty bombs that poison minds, infecting them to branch out to something more than Missionary style; bazookas that blast through yards and scorch the earth of our otherwise pristine lawns, shattering our picket fences; and billowing clouds of chemical warfare, suffocating our souls until we love who we can’t help. POWs contained, tied down with wedding rings, and tortured well beyond the limits of the Geneva Convention by daily household chores and a mortgage; those who refuse to cooperate are forced into a 401k. The fear that fills our hearts and minds will be justified once it turns to nuclear warfare, when loving, functional, nuclear units are dropped from the heavens to lay waste to the idyllic lives that previously plagued the neighborhood. Once those nuclear family bombs detonate, it will only be a matter of hours until the war comes to an end, and those of us who survive will be forced to rebuild, digging ourselves out of the apocalyptic ashes of this post-coital wasteland.

Race and the Internet According to Hogwild19100

I’m just gonna call this “found poetry” and be done with it.


hate the new spidy and noo its not
bc hes black
for the love of
god please black ppl
will you stop with
the racist shit

ok im 20 years old wasnt around for that shit
ok neither were my parents
ok so drop the bull shit calling

everybnody racist shit just
bc some one has a differnt opinion than you
or that they dont like the new spidy

ok your race wasnt the only race to be discriminated against
ok so quit the racist card boo

hoo shit enough
i hate
the new spidy bc they kill
off peter and then in a matter
of day they already have a new one?
really its like peter never existed
and then marvek said they were ganna change
some of this new charactes views form peter
like hes ganna have a competl;y new outlook
on justrice and crim and all that shit
so basically what marvel is saying is that

w.e made spider man spider man
w.e made peter parker peter parkewr

there just completly throwing that shit
outa the window and are brining something
comltly new and fresh in? wow dumest decision
ever you take and american icon and shit

on it by bringing in a dude
that doesnt even share the same
beliefs or ideas or views
or justice on crime into the comic
books and expect ppl to like it ?
exspecially hard core spidy
book readers? fuck no the worst

decision marvel has ever made

plus hoe the fuck
did he get his powers
huh did he
get bitten by a special spider
too pshhhh lame as hell wow

marvel im very disapointed in you
you cant take something like spidy
and just kill him off and replace him
with some bogus character you ruining
and trampling over the legacy of peter

parker with this new character
don t you see that? its like if we
wake up one day and the U.S
government decides that there ganna
replace the statue of liberty
with some other bogus statue that
know one has ever heard of like

wtf

i mean that statue is
what makes new york
new york besides
the 911 bombiungs
but thats getting off
topic any ways you see
what im saying tho you cant
just do that shit you piss
alot of ppl off that way

including me and again its not
bc of the fucking color
of the kid if the mutha
fucka was purple i still
wouldnt care its the fact
marvel is changing the very foundation

of spidy and trying
to replace the
foundation that
eveybody has come

to love about spidy and really
in my opinion destrying it
with this new charcater ill
go back to reading batman comics and stick
with the peter parker spider man comics

and then they were ganna make him gay!!
like seriously like to i have a problem with gays

no i dont do i believe in what
they believe and stand for what
they stand for no
i dont but im not ganna treat them
differntky for that but i mean
serioulsy your ganna start
putting gaynes in our comic
books to? i mean shit like

for real this is the way
i look at it i wont push
my straightness for girls
in your face dont push
your gayness for guys
in mine k sounds

like a deal
but noo you
always have
this happy go
lucky gays
all ways

perading around pushing
that shit in my face do

i look like i care
that your gay fuck

no i dont
care but

do me
a favor

and dont shove
that shit in
my face thats where
we have a problem

and i mean damn your telling me
now that i cant even pick up a fucking
comic book trying to relaxing
and drink a cup of coffe

with oru seeing the new
spider man making our
with some dude!!!! wtf

what is this world
coming to god

help us all
i mean do ppl

nmot think that kids will read
this shit too? i mean is that

really something you want
for your kid is to have them

be gay well

that your decision as a parent
but at least let your child make
a decision for them sleves dont

force gayness in there
face by this new spidy
comics thats not fair
to the chid at all

i mean when i was little
i wanted to be just

like batman
and just like
kidfs theses days
wanna be

just like spidy and
if the new spidy is

gay the kids
are ganna

want to be gay as well
its just an over all

bad risk and
bad choice
by marvel i
will back
fire on them

im willing
to bet it


(sic)