Thou shalt wash they hands. With soap, as well as with water.
Thou shalt leave at least one urinal between thy neighbor and thyself.1
Thou shalt keep thy head in a locked position, focused intently on the wall in front of thyself, or directly at the ground beloweth.
Thou shalt not engage in verbal communication with thy neighbor.2 If thou must engage in verbal communication with thy neighbor, thy conversation shall not relate nor pertain to activities reserved specifically for the space in which thou art presently inhabiting3
Thou shalt not dilly-dally, solicit, or otherwise increase the length of one’s visit to the facilities beyond the minimum time required to engage in the specific bodily functions for which the location has been previously designated.4
When thou is forced to wait thy turn before utilizing the facilities, thou shalt leave ample physical space5 between thyself and the present user. Whilst waiting, thou shalt not impatiently hover over, beside, nearby, or engage in any other manner of prepositional relationship to the present user.
Even when thy physical waste is of a sallow disposition, thou shalt not let it mellow. When thou must engage in the 2nd bathroom option6, thou shalt twice flush thy water.7
Thou shalt not engage in any form physical contact with thy neighbor while occupying the designated facility space.8
Thou shalt not drop thy pants all the way to the ground and attempt to releaseth thy urine in an arc-shape by leaning backwards and aiming upwards.9
Thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s poop.10
- 1 Thou art excused from this if there exists a wall to separate the urinals, or if thou art urinating in a trough, such as that which is commonly found at sporting events
- 2 Unless thou hast entered the designated premises of the facility in the middle of such a verbal engagement*, in which case, the third commandment must be strictly observed.
- 3 If you’re gonna talk, don’t talk about poop. PLEASE don’t talk about poop.
- 4 Bathroom reading is a fantastical pleasure, but one that is reserved only for the comfort of one’s home. Please do not bring a newspaper in to a public bathroom with you 4.5
- 4.5 Unless it is for wiping. Hey, it happens.
- 5 This varies depending on the bathroom, but personal space is never more important than in a public bathroom. This isn’t the Greyhound bus.
- 6 Only in emergencies.
- 7 And make sure you cover the seat, either with toilet paper, or a seat cover. You don’t want to vicariously kiss butts with the large sweaty banker who just exited the stall.
- 8 Even if you’ve washed your hands. A guessture as simple as a pat on the back can interrupt a user’s concentration and ruin his aim. Plus, it’s just uncomfortable.
- 9 Only little kids can get away with that one, and that’s because it’s kind of adorable.**
- 10 Dude. That’s just gross.
- *Or if you’re at a sporting event, and watching/discussing/cheering for the game. You can’t tell drunk sports fans what to do.
- **Even though you shouldn’t be looking at anyone ESPECIALLY CHILDREN in the bathroom, but c’mon, you know what I’m talking about, because we all did it. And it was awesome.***
- ***It’s not awesome if you’re a grown man and still do it though. Grow up.****
- ****It’s funny, ’cause we’re talking about poop. Hee-hee.