Tag Archives: craigslist

Marked As Spam

Subject: Re: bed for sale
From: vitospazini@yahoo.com
To: anon-66068529@craigslist.org
Date: Tuesday, October 12, 2005 10:02am

hello, i saw your ad on craigs list and i am interested in your bed. i have a few conditions:

1 the bed must not be lumpy as i refuse to waste eight hours of my day sleeping on a lumpy mattress, that would be just stupid.
2 the bottom of it should not be ripped and unattractive because i do NOT like it when things are ripped and out of place and i dont need that in my house.
3 the frame should really be black and not dark brown, a lot of people say black when they mean dark brown and it pisses me off because when i want a black bed i want it black.
4 it must actually be nice, i hate it when people use words and dont mean what they say, itd be ok if the bed was not so nice but if you say it is then i really want it to be nice. im not saying you are a liar or anything, ive just been burned before and its really really frustrating.

if all of these conditions are met, i will give you your $50. if only three of them are, i will give you $35. any less and i am not interested. please call me vito and not mr. spazini. thank you.

***
Subject: one change
From: vitospazini@yahoo.com
To: anon-66068529@craigslist.org
Date: Tuesday, October 12, 2005 11:16pm

upon further consideration and reviewing your ad one more time, i would be willing to give you $18 if two conditions are met. but not the ripped bottom. i cannot stand that. this is vito.

***
Subject: sorry
From: vitospazini@yahoo.com
To: anon-66068529@craigslist.org
Date: Tuesday, October 12, 2005 2:18pm

hey what’s up, this is vito again. i wrote you earlier about the bed and i sort of went off the handle i guess. i just wanted to apologize, there was no need for that. im sure your bed is very nice and you arent a liar or anything. its just been a rough week and well i guess you can tell im not in the best place. im sure you arent that interested in selling me your bed now cuz i sound crazy. but, anyway, sorry for all that.

ps: my sliding price scale is still in effect.

***
Subject: thanks
From: vitospazini@yahoo.com
To: anon-66068529@craigslist.org
Date: Tuesday, October 12, 2005 9:12pm

hi. it’s vito. i just wanted to thank you. i know that you could have like reported me or whatever, but it means a lot to me you didnt. im sure you already sold the bed and that it was great for whoever got it, and you werent lying about it at all. i appreciate that honesty. i dont see it often. anyway, i know i apologized, but i havent slept well. i guess that won’t change. you can keep not writing back. i know you are supportive anyway. it’s nice to get that sometimes. good luck with your new bed.

Sans Roommate

Sans patience, sans money, sans
the emotional capacity to scour
the dregs of craigslist one last time,

not to find someone who’s perfect,
not someone who’s going to be
my best friend, my best man, my

heterosexual life partner during
my time in Los Angeles before I
ultimately move back home anyway,

for God’s sake just someone even
remotely normal, not a complete
fucking creeper. Do you have a

history of addiction? Mental disease?
Kleptomania? A foot fetish? Do
you like to stand over strangers

while they’re sleeping at night?
Are you secretly growing pot in
a newly remodeled loft across town?

Will you respond to my ad within
minutes and then fail to write back
when I try to make plans to show

you the apartment? Do you not bathe?
Are you forty-seven years old with
two toddlers and a dog? Would you

describe yourself as bi-polar,
agoraphobic,
or unemployed?
Do you have cats, plural?

THEN I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE
WITH YOU SO STOP EMAILING ME
PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!