Tag Archives: clowns

Movie Pitch Poetry: Clowning Around

In this big budget action flick,
Jason Statham stars as
Pagliacci, a curmudgeonly
clown whose circus is
being secretly bankrolled
by the Yakuza. But after
several missed payments,
the ringmaster is in danger of
losing the circus as well as his life.

Well, Pagliacci the Curmudgeonly
Clown ain’t standing for that shit.
He ain’t standin’ for none of that.
This circus is his home, you know?
So when the Yakuza sends their
best soldiers to claim the money
by force, Pagliacci gathers up
the troupes and fights back.

You think he’s got a big nose?
Wait ’til you see his bazooka.
(we’ll come up with a cool
line for that in the trailer)

Oh, and of course, there is an
illicit romance between
Pagliacci and the bearded
woman; she is cold, distant,
ashamed of being a freak,
and does not think that
any man can truly love her.
But Pagliacci does.

(The bearded woman is
played by Megan Fox)

But wait! Oh no! The
circus troupe militia
is betrayed by one of
their own! The lion
tamer has been in league
with the Yakuza all along,
feeding them information
about this rebellion! And
now he’s taken Bearded
Megan Fox hostage! Jason
Statham the Clown falls
for his trap when he goes
to rescue her in the center
ring, and after a brief
skirmish, he knocks the
lion tamer back, and he
gets eaten by his own lion,
in a bloody, satisfying twist
of irony. But that’s not all!

The Yakuza leader played by
Ken Jeong (who is of course
also a classically trained
trapeze artist) arrives at
the Big Top to take matters
into his own hands. In the final
showdown, Clown Jason
Statham loads himself into
the cannon. He looks straight
into the camera and says,
“The show must go on,
mother fucker,” or something
equally quotable and
nihilistic before launching
himself into the air in a spiral
with two pistols blazing and it
will be totally sweet. Trust me.

Then, in the final confrontation,
Pagliacci faces down with the
Yakuza leader in a swordfight
on the tightrope, high above
the ground. He draws his own
sword from out of the mouth
of the sword swallower, who
will be like a human sheath,
because that’d be awesome.

And then maybe Pagliacci will
actually end up dying at the hands
of the Yakuza leader, but he decides
that it’s all too much work, and he
turns ownership of the circus back
over to the performers, who will
re-name the circus at the end of
the film in honor of Jason Statham.

I mean Pagliacci. Whatever. We’ll
figure that part out in post.