Tag Archives: Christopher Columbus


We played soccer while the turkey slow cooked,
with the Mexicans from the kitchen who
half wanted to celebrate their newfound
Americanness and half were happy
just to have a full day off finally.
We watched football later in the day and
wondered if there were more traditional
sports that could be played, the Pilgrims’ ping-pong,
Columbus’ lacrosse, a Viking type
of tennis, snowballs thrown over the bow
of a long ship after a lengthy trip
into the unknown, some ancient native
game, perhaps, something lost forever to
time and race and smallpox and translation.

Rejected US Holidays

  • Pacific Remote Islands National Marine Monument Day — January 6
  • Lili’uokalani Day — January 17
  • Guantanamo Bay Day — February 23
  • Michael Bay Day — February 17
  • Virgin Day — March 31
  • Benevolent Imperialism Day —
  • Mission Accomplished Day— May 1
  • “Oh yeah? Well, we already have manila envelopes, so it’s like not like we need you anyway” Day — June 12
  • American Samoa Day — July 17
  • Delicious Girl Scout Cookie Day — (observed)
  • “‘Trust Territory’ and ‘Concentration Camp’ Are Highly Misleading Phrases” Day (also known as Alliteration Aday) — July 18
  • Get Those Guamis Back Day — July 21
  • “Call A Puerto Rican A Mexican” Day — July 25
  • “Let’s Bomb the Motherfuckers” Day — August 9
  • “Yasser? I don’t even know her!” Day — November 11
  • Trail of Tears Day — December 3
  • Kang the Conqueror Day — ∞

Seal on a Bus

Last night I slept to ocean sounds, and watched
across the water as the whales confessed
their love in song, slapping their massive tails
against the surface after each bellow.

And all upon the shoreline were engulfed
in sleep or love, drifting in and out of
consciousness as ripples from the whale songs
lapped up against the drowsy sands; except

a solitary seal, awake, barking
syncopatically, forced from the beach
for disrupting their aquatic concert.
And slowly he fled inland; and often

he tried to make songs of his own, waiting
for someone to beckon him home.

Ramona v. Flowers: A Play in Verse

Judge Wells: Andy Griffith will make arguments for
the prosecution, and Clarence Darrow
will speak for the defense. Ramona claims
that Flowers is more popular than she,
though she cannot understand why. Is that
correct, Ramona?

Ramona: It is, your honor.

J: And Flowers counterclaims that Ramona
is a crazy bitch.

Flowers: That’s right, your honor.

J: Let’s see, now. Ramona, it seems you were
a popular novel back in the late
1800s, and no less than four films—

R: And a telenovela.

J: Yes, have been
made from your life, including one by famed
director D.W. Griffiths, of
The Birth of a Nation renown. Also,
there seems to be a pageant held in your
name in California every
year, a song by The Ramones, a couple
towns, and a series of children’s books by
author Beverly Cleary.

R: Yes, sir. Though
you left out a cargo ship from Tintin,
a computer program, and a Guster

J: Oh, well how could I have missed all that?

R: I don’t know, sir.

J: Please shut up, Ramona.
Now, Flowers: you are the reproductive
structure found in many plants; the blossom
of said plants; an ornament; adornment;
the best or finest member or part of
a number, body, or whole; sometimes a
verb; maybe a vagina or slang term
for virginity; generally a
word connoting beauty in all its forms,
pick your definition.

F: That is correct.
Everyone with half a brain can see
that I’m fairly important to the world,
naturally, aesthetically, and

J: Noted. But Ramona
says she should be more important than you?

F: She does, but she is admittedly a
Ramona fundamentalist, so she
doesn’t care much for trivial things like
logic, reason, evidence—

R: Objection!

J: Sustained. Stick to the facts, please, Miss Flowers.

F: Ramona is dumb and doesn’t make sense.

J: That’s fair. Rebuttal?

R: Flowers smell like crap.

J: I need some time to deliberate now.
Okay, that’s quite enough, I think. Flowers?

F: Yes, your honor?

J: Ramona is much more
important than you, and so should be more
popular as well, despite the fact that
no one can explain why this is, and that
her own books make her out to be quite an
annoying little shit.

F: The racism?

J: That argument is rejected on the
grounds that Griffiths played such a major role
in the evolution of cinema
around the world. His films should be screened for
arts students despite their blatant support
of racism, lynching, the Ku Klux Klan—

R: That was really just the one time, honest.
He tried to make up for it after that.

F: So did the Nazis…

J: As I was saying:
Ramona is more popular. The end.

F: Clearly I am going to appeal this
backwards ass ruling. People need to know!
We have a responsibility to
our children!

R: All our children need to know
is that I am the greatest thing ever.
Glory to Ramona in the highest!