Tag Archives: christmas

Cider

There’s a lukewarm pot of cider on the
stove, homemade, strong enough you can taste the
liquor flavor, not so strong it matters.
It’s mostly ignored for the countertop
bar, one half of the sink lined with plastic,
filled with ice, a nice selection of cheap
and less cheap bottles for do-it-yourself
concoctions. Despite the DIY, I
still adhere to BYOB, Guinness
for me, last year’s lost memory all I
need to keep me from the real competitive
drinking, the taste of everything, the
“Hell, it’s the holidays!” taint in the back
of my mouth. Won’t be a naughty boy, no.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Jesus Christ

I saw mommy kissing Jesus Christ
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn’t see me creep down the stairs to have peak;
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep.

Then I saw mommy tickle Jesus Christ
Underneath his beard so snowy white.
What a laugh it would have been if daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Jesus Christ last night!

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Merry Christmas! And remember: today is the very last day to enter a submission for our open Sunday writer position! All relevant information can be found in this lovely haiku.

‘Twas The Night Before Christmas Break

Twas the night before Christmas break, when all through the web.
Not a tweeter was tweeting, not even your Aunt Deb.
The blog posts were scheduled to autopost with care
In hopes that the readership soon would be there.

The college kids were passed out all drunk in their beds,
while visions of potential high school hook ups danced in their heads.
And mama implores them to help her with chores,
but they’d rather sit around the whole month and be bored.

The news cycle trickles out with hardly a clatter
And we habitually check Facebook to see what really matters.
But everyone posts the same holiday status
of seasonal greetings and some New Years gladness.

The impending threat of the first-fallen snow
gives a nostalgic glimmer to objects below.
And then once it snows, what instead should be appear
But wet muddy roads that make it hard to steer

For every little drink driver, so lively and thick —
but really, you should have had a DD, you dick.
How rapid you spun when to black ice you came
but you’ll come out unscathed, and still find someone to blame.

“Well yeah but so maybe I had a few beers.
I was just fine to drive, there was nothing to fear.
I was typing a text to see who else was home
when I don’t know, man, I just swerved on the road.”

And the mornings you spend with your family feel quaint
but by mid-afternoon, it’s clear that they ain’t.
Your parents have so many answers to seek
when they don’t realize that you just want to sleep.

But you’re still looking forward to seeing old friends —
forgetting, of course, their own holiday plans.
So you look back to Facebook, but nothing is new,
so then you check twitter to find something to do.

But your parents have cable, so hey, that’s still cool!
With eight thousand channels, and you feel like a fool
for watching some network crap you don’t like
but that’s better than just surfing channels all night.

Then you see an old ex on the way to the store,
And she’s fat, or he’s married to that old high school whore.
And the comfort is fleeting, but at least now you’ve seen
that your life didn’t peak when you’d just turned eighteen.

So you get drunk with dad and discuss politics
and realize that hey, maybe he’s not such a prick,
and wine works much faster than cheap, shitty beer
so you start to rethink your plans for New Years.

Then you remember your plans for a productive week,
and the things that you wanted to watch, write, and read.
But instead you fall down a Wikipedia hole
and learn all about the agricultural benefits of voles.

And you watch with your parents an childhood great
which washes over you with a sentimental wave
and those annual plans you had made with your friends
are now spent at home with more emails to send,

checking twitter, and updates on Facebook for news;
you find nothing, and so open a new bottle of booze.
But when the time comes to leave, you drive off with a grin
because you can’t wait ’til next year to do it again.

Jesus Christ Is Coming To Town

You better watch out!
You better not cry!
Better not pout,
I’m telling you why:
Jesus Christ is coming to town!

He’s making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who’s naughty and nice:
Jesus Christ is coming to town!

He sees you when you’re sleeping,
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows if you’ve been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!

O! You better watch out!
You better not cry!
Better not pout,
I’m telling you why:
Jesus Christ is coming,
Jesus Christ is coming,
Jesus Christ is coming to town!

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And once again, don’t forget that we’re still taking submissions for our open Sunday writer position! The deadline is Christmas Day, so make sure you get your writing to us! All relevant information can be found in this lovely haiku.

Here Comes Jesus Christ

Here comes Jesus Christ,
Here comes Jesus Christ,
Right down Jesus Christ Lane,
Simon and Andrew and all his reindeer
Pullin’ on the reins.
Bells are ringin’, children singin’,
All is merry and bright,
So hang your stockings and say your prayers,
‘Cause Jesus Christ comes tonight.

Here comes Jesus Christ,
Here comes Jesus Christ,
Right down Jesus Christ Lane.
He’s got a bag that’s filled with toys
For boys and girls again.
Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle,
Oh what a beautiful sight,
So jump in bed, and cover your head,
‘Cause Jesus Christ comes tonight.

Here comes Jesus Christ,
Here comes Jesus Christ,
Right down Jesus Christ Lane.
He’ll come around when chimes ring out
It’s Christmas time again.
Peace on earth will come to all
If we just follow the light,
So let’s give thanks to the Lord above,
‘Cause Jesus Christ comes tonight.

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And don’t forget that we’re still taking submissions for our open Sunday writer position! All relevant information can be found in this lovely haiku.

The 12 Days of Apocalypse

On the first day of apocalypse,
my true love gave to me
a desert wasteland full of disease.

On the second day of apocalypse
my true love gave to me
two mutant cats
and a desert wasteland full of disease.

On the third day of apocalypse
my true love gave to me
three giant lizards,
two mutant cats,
and a desert wasteland full of disease.

On the fourth day of apocalypse
my true love gave to me
four asteroids,
three giant lizards,
two mutant cats,
and a desert wasteland full of disease.

On the fifth day of apocalypse
my true love gave to me
five malformed kids!
Four asteroids,
three giant lizards,
two mutant cats,
and a desert wasteland full of disease.

On the sixth day of apocalypse
my true love gave to me
six bombs a-nuking,
five malformed children,
four asteroids,
three giant lizards,
two mutant cats,
and a desert wasteland full of disease.

On the seventh day of apocalypse
my true love gave to me
seven zealots preaching,
six bombs a-nuking,
five malformed children,
four asteroids,
three giant lizards,
two mutant cats,
and a desert wasteland full of disease.

On the eighth day of apocalypse
my true love gave to me
eight redneck cannibals,
seven zealots preaching,
six bombs a-nuking,
five malformed children,
four asteroids,
three giant lizards,
two mutant cats,
and a desert wasteland full of disease.

On the ninth day of apocalypse
my true love gave to me
nine zombies eating,
eight redneck cannibals,
seven zealots preaching,
six bombs a-nuking,
five malformed children,
four asteroids,
three giant lizards,
two mutant cats,
and a desert wasteland full of disease.

On the tenth day of apocalypse
my true love gave to me
ten warlords fighting,
nine zombies eating,
eight redneck cannibals,
seven zealots preaching,
six bombs a-nuking,
five malformed children,
four asteroids,
three giant lizards,
two mutant cats,
and a desert wasteland full of disease.

On the eleventh day of apocalypse
my true love gave to me
eleven evil aliens,
ten warlords fighting,
nine zombies eating,
eight redneck cannibals,
seven zealots preaching,
six bombs a-nuking,
five malformed children,
four asteroids,
three giant lizards,
two mutant cats,
and a desert wasteland full of disease.

On the twelfth day of apocalypse
my true love gave to me
twelve monster plants,
eleven evil aliens,
ten warlords fighting,
nine zombies eating,
eight redneck cannibals,
six bombs a-nuking,
five malformed children,
four asteroids,
three giant lizards,
two mutant cats,
and a desert wasteland full of disease.

Christmas Vacation 2012 Haiku

Pardon me, but I’m
in New Jersey right now; you’ll
have to read elsewhere.

Also, I will most
likely be hungover all
this week, so there’s that.