Judge Wells: Andy Griffith will make arguments for
the prosecution, and Clarence Darrow
will speak for the defense. Ramona claims
that Flowers is more popular than she,
though she cannot understand why. Is that
Ramona: It is, your honor.
J: And Flowers counterclaims that Ramona
is a crazy bitch.
Flowers: That’s right, your honor.
J: Let’s see, now. Ramona, it seems you were
a popular novel back in the late
1800s, and no less than four films—
R: And a telenovela.
J: Yes, have been
made from your life, including one by famed
director D.W. Griffiths, of
The Birth of a Nation renown. Also,
there seems to be a pageant held in your
name in California every
year, a song by The Ramones, a couple
towns, and a series of children’s books by
author Beverly Cleary.
R: Yes, sir. Though
you left out a cargo ship from Tintin,
a computer program, and a Guster
J: Oh, well how could I have missed all that?
R: I don’t know, sir.
J: Please shut up, Ramona.
Now, Flowers: you are the reproductive
structure found in many plants; the blossom
of said plants; an ornament; adornment;
the best or finest member or part of
a number, body, or whole; sometimes a
verb; maybe a vagina or slang term
for virginity; generally a
word connoting beauty in all its forms,
pick your definition.
F: That is correct.
Everyone with half a brain can see
that I’m fairly important to the world,
naturally, aesthetically, and
J: Noted. But Ramona
says she should be more important than you?
F: She does, but she is admittedly a
Ramona fundamentalist, so she
doesn’t care much for trivial things like
logic, reason, evidence—
J: Sustained. Stick to the facts, please, Miss Flowers.
F: Ramona is dumb and doesn’t make sense.
J: That’s fair. Rebuttal?
R: Flowers smell like crap.
J: I need some time to deliberate now.
Okay, that’s quite enough, I think. Flowers?
F: Yes, your honor?
J: Ramona is much more
important than you, and so should be more
popular as well, despite the fact that
no one can explain why this is, and that
her own books make her out to be quite an
annoying little shit.
F: The racism?
J: That argument is rejected on the
grounds that Griffiths played such a major role
in the evolution of cinema
around the world. His films should be screened for
arts students despite their blatant support
of racism, lynching, the Ku Klux Klan—
R: That was really just the one time, honest.
He tried to make up for it after that.
F: So did the Nazis…
J: As I was saying:
Ramona is more popular. The end.
F: Clearly I am going to appeal this
backwards ass ruling. People need to know!
We have a responsibility to
R: All our children need to know
is that I am the greatest thing ever.
Glory to Ramona in the highest!