Tag Archives: celebrity

The Star System

We all smirk knowingly when a celebrity goes off to a facility because of “exhaustion.”
“Exhaustion,” we’ve come to understand, is code. It’s a euphemism for “overindulgence.”

Overindulgence, we think, is part and parcel for the famous, for those who lack self control.
Self control, of course, isn’t anything the famous are familiar with. They are paid to put on a show,

a show in which they are beautiful beyond compare, thin without effort, and this requires assistance.
Assistants: they assist, cater, take care, do the things that would otherwise fall to the celebrity.

The celebrity cannot be seen with her delicates in a Kroger’s bag outside the dry cleaner’s.
Dry cleaning is terrifying. Eating is impossible. The world presses in, the mind is a terrible thing.

Things become complicated. The assistants can’t tell her why. They’re paid to fetch, not answer.
Answers can arrive in the form of pay-as-you-go spirituality, 30-dollar red strings for protection,

protection from evil eyes, magazines predicting her downfall, all available at the grocery store,
the grocery store she doesn’t go to because no one must know what she actually consumes.

Consumed by fear when the roite bindele fails to provide, her next best option is the bottle.
The bottle answers nothing, really, but deadens the fear. But only for a little while.

For a little while, it helps. It helps, but requires increasing amounts to continue being helpful.
Helpful assistants are now tasked with procuring bottles along with the delicates. No questions.

Questions only irritate, disrupt the precise chemistry that must happen in order to function.
Functions, openings, fundraisers – she must appear, as ever, flawless. And it’s exhausting.

Top Ten “Top 10” Lists of 2011

  • 10. Top 10 Underreported Stories of the Year I think this is an interesting Top 10 list idea to tackle, because “underreported” — aka not popular, not top — indicates that these stories are anything but Top 10. So I commend Time for making an intrinsically hypocritical Top 10 list that is actually surprisingly informative and insightful.
  • 9. Top 10 Ways to Make People Believe You Are Not Drunk. Also known as “Top 10 Ways to Ineffectually Attempt to Mask All Signs of Alcoholism,” this list tries really hard to insist that no one will ever notice, despite the fact that its overall recommendation for hiding the effects of alcohol is just to sit there and do nothing for the entire night (which in turn kind of defeats the purpose of social drinking).
  • 8. Top 10 Sweatiest Movies. It’s about time someone compiled a list like this. I commend author Kate Witteman for her gall in even making this pitch to her editor. It’s an absurd concept that actually hooks on to our collective cultural curiosity.
  • 7. 2011 Top 10 Movies for Grownups. This one makes the list strictly because it was compiled by the AARP. And let’s face it, that’s funny. It’s not even that all of these movies focus on characters over 60 years old; they’re just “movies for grownups,” which is an incredibly absurd and ridiculously vague criterium. Even Hugo and We Bought a Zoo make the list.
    Bonus: 2011 Top 10 Albums for Grownups, a list that is much more in line with “Stuff Only Mom and Dad Like.”
  • 6. Top 10 Secretly Badass Animals. I’d never seen a Mantis Shrimp before I saw this list, let alone heard of one, but I can say with great confidence that my quality of life has vastly improved now that I have. Also, wombats. Who doesn’t love a wombat? Neither wom, nor bat, yet somehow, still incredibly — and, apparently, badass.
  • 5. Top 10 Topical Sesame Street Characters. The fact there have been enough topical Sesame Street characters to justify the creation of Top 10 list of said characters is proof alone that despite all threats of economic collapse and nuclear fallout, the future is inherently a good thing, and we’re all going to be okay in the end.
  • 4. Top 10 Short-Lived Celebrity Marriages. Obviously topped off by the whole Kardashian fiasco, this list is especially notable because it is indicative of the world in which we live. Future historians would be well served to examine this list to gain a better understanding of our celebrity-obsessed culture in which there have actually been enough short-lived publicity stunt marriages to garner such a list. And yet gay marriage is still such a hot-button topic…
  • 3.Top 10 Memes. Another impressive cultural indicator. The irony here, of course, is that “Arbitrary Year-End Top 10 Lists” did not make the list of Top 10 Memes. In an even greater tragedy, neither did Admiral Ackbar.
  • 2. Facebook’s Top Status Trends in the US. Another major hallmark by which Future Historians will judge our lives. What really gets me is that despite the fact that I pride myself as being someone whose finger remains on the pulse of Internet trends, I have no idea what “lms” or “tbh” means, even though they were apparently the most popular Facebook status trends of the year. (mumble mumble god damn kids mumble mumble off my lawn)
  • 1. Google Zeitgeist 2011 Top 10 Google Searches. A worldwide ranking of our most popular Google searches, this is a prime cut cross section of our modern culture. Hell, it’s even hard to be disappointed that Rebecca Black tops off the list. But I’m especially impressed that the non-existent iPhone 5 made the top 10. What does it say about our culture when fictional science (science fiction?) permeates the heights of our news and obsessions? I’ll leave that one to the Future Historians.

  • Honorable Mention: Top 10 People Not Running for President, because neither Michelle Bachmann, Mitt Romney, or Newt Gingrich is included.

    Ghosts of Talentless Celebrity Hacks Past

    I know it wasn’t the nicest thing to do — like making fun of the retarded kid who lives down the street — but when Matthew McConaughey told me that he was from the future, I couldn’t help but laugh in his stupid face. I mean, if Matthew McConaughey was really the swashbuckling romantic anti-hero time traveler that he claimed to be, it would mean that he was privy to all kinds of crazy knowledge and technology that the rest of us had only dreamed of, and if had access to that kind information, wouldn’t you think he’d use it to make less crappy films? I have trouble believing that history will be kind to someone as dreadfully lame as Matthew McConaughey; the dude doesn’t even use deodorant (FACT)! No one wonder he gets into stupid, uninteresting romantic entaglements in all those stupid, boring romantic comdies — dude smells awful. Seriously. If we weren’t drinking on his tab right now, I probably would’ve puked before he get within ten feet of me. Fucking putrid, ugh.

    When Matthew — we’re clearly on a first name basis, though he won’t let me call him Matt (he reserves ‘Matty’ for the ladies, he says) — when Matthew returns with the next round of drinks, I ask him why. Why, if he’s really a time traveler like he claims to be, would he waste it on being a lousy RomCom stupid star, rather than, I don’t know, a galactic dictator or super hero or something. He leans in really close—his breathe smells as bad as his underarms at this point in the night— and whispers, “For the pussy, brah. Pus-sy. Yeaaaah.”

    Just like the line between a genius and a fool, the line between cool and vapidly dull is remarkably thin. Hang out with a big name Hollywood actor on his dime? Awesome. That actor being Matthew McConaughey, the fucking time traveler? I should’ve stayed home and masturbated into my sister’s socks again.

    “But Matthew,” I tell him, “if you were a galactic dictator or a super hero or something, you’d still get all the chicks you want. And ya know, if you’re a time traveler, the entire space-time continuum of female orgasms is at your command. So why do you make such crappy movies?”

    “How do you know that’s all I do?” he countered cryptically. Note that he doesn’t argue with my career assessment.
    “I’ve seen all your movies, man. They’re crap. Fucking dreadful. Except for Dazed and Confused, but that had nothing to do with you.”

    “Aw come on, what about U-571?” I don’t even have to respond that. “Okay, fine, but what do you think I do when I’m not shooting movies? That’s when I’m cruisin’ through the timestream, brah, picking up chicks of all kinds, any time. I wanna try something a little kinky? I’m into aliens? Cavewomen? I can do that. Those fuckin’ movies, they’re just training. It’s how I keep my chops up, for the ladies.”

    I rolled my eyes, slammed the drink to my domepiece, and told him I was leaving and going back to Hugh’s place. That guy was a true, genuine, bonafide timepimp, and I didn’t have the time for McConaughey’s crap. “C’mon! What’s Grant got over me?” he whined.

    “He’s British,” I shrugged.