10. Top 10 Underreported Stories of the Year I think this is an interesting Top 10 list idea to tackle, because “underreported” — aka not popular, not top — indicates that these stories are anything but Top 10. So I commend Time for making an intrinsically hypocritical Top 10 list that is actually surprisingly informative and insightful.
9. Top 10 Ways to Make People Believe You Are Not Drunk. Also known as “Top 10 Ways to Ineffectually Attempt to Mask All Signs of Alcoholism,” this list tries really hard to insist that no one will ever notice, despite the fact that its overall recommendation for hiding the effects of alcohol is just to sit there and do nothing for the entire night (which in turn kind of defeats the purpose of social drinking).
8. Top 10 Sweatiest Movies. It’s about time someone compiled a list like this. I commend author Kate Witteman for her gall in even making this pitch to her editor. It’s an absurd concept that actually hooks on to our collective cultural curiosity.
7. 2011 Top 10 Movies for Grownups. This one makes the list strictly because it was compiled by the AARP. And let’s face it, that’s funny. It’s not even that all of these movies focus on characters over 60 years old; they’re just “movies for grownups,” which is an incredibly absurd and ridiculously vague criterium. Even Hugo and We Bought a Zoo make the list.
Bonus: 2011 Top 10 Albums for Grownups, a list that is much more in line with “Stuff Only Mom and Dad Like.”
6. Top 10 Secretly Badass Animals. I’d never seen a Mantis Shrimp before I saw this list, let alone heard of one, but I can say with great confidence that my quality of life has vastly improved now that I have. Also, wombats. Who doesn’t love a wombat? Neither wom, nor bat, yet somehow, still incredibly — and, apparently, badass.
5. Top 10 Topical Sesame Street Characters. The fact there have been enough topical Sesame Street characters to justify the creation of Top 10 list of said characters is proof alone that despite all threats of economic collapse and nuclear fallout, the future is inherently a good thing, and we’re all going to be okay in the end.
4. Top 10 Short-Lived Celebrity Marriages. Obviously topped off by the whole Kardashian fiasco, this list is especially notable because it is indicative of the world in which we live. Future historians would be well served to examine this list to gain a better understanding of our celebrity-obsessed culture in which there have actually been enough short-lived publicity stunt marriages to garner such a list. And yet gay marriage is still such a hot-button topic…
3.Top 10 Memes. Another impressive cultural indicator. The irony here, of course, is that “Arbitrary Year-End Top 10 Lists” did not make the list of Top 10 Memes. In an even greater tragedy, neither did Admiral Ackbar.
2. Facebook’s Top Status Trends in the US. Another major hallmark by which Future Historians will judge our lives. What really gets me is that despite the fact that I pride myself as being someone whose finger remains on the pulse of Internet trends, I have no idea what “lms” or “tbh” means, even though they were apparently the most popular Facebook status trends of the year. (mumble mumble god damn kids mumble mumble off my lawn)
1. Google Zeitgeist 2011 Top 10 Google Searches. A worldwide ranking of our most popular Google searches, this is a prime cut cross section of our modern culture. Hell, it’s even hard to be disappointed that Rebecca Black tops off the list. But I’m especially impressed that the non-existent iPhone 5 made the top 10. What does it say about our culture when fictional science (science fiction?) permeates the heights of our news and obsessions? I’ll leave that one to the Future Historians.
Honorable Mention: Top 10 People Not Running for President
, because neither Michelle Bachmann, Mitt Romney, or Newt Gingrich is included.
Posted in opinion, other, prose
Tagged 2011, 2012, 99%, aarp, admiral ackbar, alcohol, American history, badass, celebrity, culture, current events, Facebook, facebook status, google, historians, history, holiday, Hugo, iphone, iphone 5, kardashian marriage, kim kardashian, list, lms, mantis shrimp, memes, michelle bachmann, mitt romney, monday, new year, news, newt gingrich, old people, rebecca black, tbh, the future, time magazine, top 10 2011, top ten, we bought a zoo, wombat
hide white rose bouquets in your shotgun case,
nuzzle burnt cork stubble on her tender face,
stroke velvet cheeks with your torn leather glove,
romantic surprises from skylights above,
crash through her window, wait in a dark place.
your shattered glass snowfall leaves not a trace
except on her bed, where arrangements there of
botanical art hide the jagged-edged blades
that cut into her, leaving scars in the shape
of each mystery land she imagines you rove—
her knight in drab armor, the one who once drove
her home on his motorbike, a team solitaire race
against reason and rhyme, against time, against space:
oh, it’s a hard to be a badass when you’re in love.
Posted in poetry
Tagged badass, love, monday
We were just about ready to peel out of the parking lot when we noticed Stuart waddling after us, moving as fast as those tiny legs could carry him. I guess this should have been a sign that something weird was going on — he was definitely still inside with Fernando while we were running for our lives, and I can’t imagine midgets are that hard to catch.
On second thought, squirrels have tiny legs, too, and they’re pretty fast for rats wearing rabbit costumes, so maybe midgets have some kinda crazy super speed that I just don’t know about it. It wouldn’t really surprise me if they did. Either way, I didn’t expect to find myself back in that same parking lot so soon, if ever again. I was hoping to avoid that place like the plague that coats its bathroom floor.
Even as we drove right up to him, the bouncer kept pounding Dylan through the pavement, and barely paused a moment to welcome us; apparently “you’re surrounded by five police cars” translates to “keep beating the shit out of douchebag lead singer” in biker talk. Officer Denton turned her siren on, and the sound seemed to take control of him, as sirens often do. He pealed his hand out of the bloody porridge that once resembled Dylan’s face and cracked his ringed fingers. I couldn’t help but notice just how pretty Dylan looked right then.
Denton swung the car door wide open and stepped out slowly, inhaling deep on a cigarette, which probably would have looked a lot cooler if I didn’t know it was a stage prop. If bad ass iconography was an orgasm, this lady knew how to fake it. In what seemed like one fluid motion, she flicked her cigarette on the ground, stomped it out with the spiked heel of her shoe and dressed her eyes with a pair of aviators. I’m pretty sure this whole thing happened in slow motion with some shitty anthemic 80’s power rock song in the background, too.
Any other day, this would have been hysterical, but today it just reminded me of why I hate mornings so much. Like it’s not enough that one of my oldest friends is dead; now I have “Pour Some Fucking Sugar On Me” eating my brain. If there’s a God, he totally hates me.
Dylan was in a bad way, so Denton called an ambulance. I tried telling her that it wasn’t necessary, that our ambulance was parked right over there, but she just stared at me and walked away. It really pissed me off. I’ve always had a strange affection for that heap; not in a sexy kind of way, more like a brother, or a home. So while Denton was busy talking to Fernando, I walked over to the ambulance to see how he was doing. That was when I realized that Alex was hiding from the cops in the back in the ambulance. And that I’d just blown her cover.