Author Archives: ianbarbella

procedures…

There is a brilliant art to dancing in your underwear.  It is important no matter which gender you may occupy, to wear something supportive.  Nothing will make this joyous activity travel to the other extreme like the damage ones genitals can suffer from insufficient protection.  So buckle up…it’s the law.

The next tip to remember is not to get dressed.  Clothing will give you the impression that you should act according to its mandate.  A dress suit and air drums do not mix, they are the oil and water of underwear dancing. There is an animalistic freedom in the lack of covering that will give your limbs the go ahead to perform actions they may not think themselves possible.  Underwear Dancing has the power to transform a Frankenstein into Mary Lou Retton.

Music.  While it is inherently the most integral part of the event, there are only certain artists, which are currently cleared by the board for use in the sport.  They are as follows:

Journey                        Bon Jovi

Def Leppard                        Poison

KISS                                    Joan Jett

Guns and Roses            The Scorpions

Rush                                    AC/DC

Heart                                    Twisted Sister

Queen                                    Alice Cooper

Foreigner                        REO Speedwagon

…and Styx (You know damn right well if Mr. Roboto comes on and you’re in your tighty whities, you’re singing.  So shut it.)

 

While there are many other artists who will certainly make you want to “rock out”; unless the band’s career was marred by chemical excess, hair with the volume equivalent to my chest cavity, massive sexual exploits, and not a single unprocessed sound on their album; they are posers.

The final thing to remember when engaging in the craft is to be aware of your surroundings.  Take into account that when your reenacting Slash’s guitar solo at the end of ‘November Rain’, you will most lieky care more about hitting that high E than the location of your scissors, paper cutter, or sharp pointy things box.  Realize that no one wants to go to the ER looking like Tom Cruise in Risky Business.  Stick near beds or couches, they make for great places to crowd surf, while offering little risk of puncture wounds.

So get out there and enjoy.  Support, Starkness, Soundtrack, and Safety…these are the four ‘S’s…say them the next time you feel a session coming on, it may make the difference between magic and misery.

Some Girls…

“I want my albums back.”

You stare at me confused, but completely calm.  Your hair is perfectly braided, skirt neatly ironed, and  tea the perfect shade of sand.  You take a careful well-placed sip and put the cup back down.

“I don’t have any of your records.”

I take a swig of my coffee, which has dripped all over the saucer due to the near brim filling by the incompetent waitress; and my aggressive, somewhat psychotic over stirring.  They never leave enough room for milk or sugar.

“I want them all back now, without questions, without delay, without confrontation. I want back;

When I was Cruel

You Are Free

Teaser and the Firecat

Kill Them With Kindness

So Jealous

Head on the Door

Your Majesty

Plans

Yes, Virginia…

The 59’ Sound

Everything in Transit

Chase This Light

Louder Now

And every fuckin’ Smiths Album I own.”

You laugh a little, taking out and lighting a cigarette.  I know why you’re laughing, because you know the cases are sitting on my shelves; and the vinyls are safe in their sleeves. They have been there since the day you asked me for my key.  I gave you that chiseled piece of steel; so the least you could do is give me auditory relief.

You take a long drag and then an equally drawn out sip of tea.  You will be content to do this for hours.  I will not be getting anything back…in fact, I’m more than positive this will only have made the problem worse.

“Fine.”

You raise an eyebrow in curiosity.  I’ve rarely acquiesced so quickly.

“Keep the rest if you want, but give me back Morrissey and Marr.  Because those Irish boys know what sadness is, and I’m tired of hearing our memories in every line.”

*I wrote this quickly tonight, because I was too excited and didn’t want to stop the flow…i promise better in the future…atleast more literate, and better edited. I worked today, forgive*