Monthly Archives: December 2012

Haiku For A New Year

To 2013:
I thought this was the future,
so where’s my jet pack?

Other: Holiday spirit

It might be for the best that you weren’t at that party. This guy Hank, one of Matthew’s friends, showed up with some dudes he had met on the subway. Everyone thought they were gonna, like, take our silverware or something. As if our silverware wasn’t plasticware. Words were exchanged. It got ugly. Did not fit the solstice mood, you know? Wish you could have been there – you would have laughed your ass off, for sure.


dig safe.

kirkland street is broken up
i’m swaying back and forth
now my gut is lurching southward
while my feet are marching north.
i’ll tell you something dangerous
(but promise not to laugh)
very shortly i’ll be sitting
at the edge of a carafe.
and a stolid, cracking obelisk
can signify an end
to another lonely sacrifice
(lather, rinse, suspend).

so kirkland is all shaken up
(my knees and ankles, too)
and it’s really very simple:
you broke me,
i’ll fix you.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Jesus Christ

I saw mommy kissing Jesus Christ
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn’t see me creep down the stairs to have peak;
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep.

Then I saw mommy tickle Jesus Christ
Underneath his beard so snowy white.
What a laugh it would have been if daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Jesus Christ last night!

Merry Christmas! And remember: today is the very last day to enter a submission for our open Sunday writer position! All relevant information can be found in this lovely haiku.

‘Twas The Night Before Christmas Break

Twas the night before Christmas break, when all through the web.
Not a tweeter was tweeting, not even your Aunt Deb.
The blog posts were scheduled to autopost with care
In hopes that the readership soon would be there.

The college kids were passed out all drunk in their beds,
while visions of potential high school hook ups danced in their heads.
And mama implores them to help her with chores,
but they’d rather sit around the whole month and be bored.

The news cycle trickles out with hardly a clatter
And we habitually check Facebook to see what really matters.
But everyone posts the same holiday status
of seasonal greetings and some New Years gladness.

The impending threat of the first-fallen snow
gives a nostalgic glimmer to objects below.
And then once it snows, what instead should be appear
But wet muddy roads that make it hard to steer

For every little drink driver, so lively and thick —
but really, you should have had a DD, you dick.
How rapid you spun when to black ice you came
but you’ll come out unscathed, and still find someone to blame.

“Well yeah but so maybe I had a few beers.
I was just fine to drive, there was nothing to fear.
I was typing a text to see who else was home
when I don’t know, man, I just swerved on the road.”

And the mornings you spend with your family feel quaint
but by mid-afternoon, it’s clear that they ain’t.
Your parents have so many answers to seek
when they don’t realize that you just want to sleep.

But you’re still looking forward to seeing old friends —
forgetting, of course, their own holiday plans.
So you look back to Facebook, but nothing is new,
so then you check twitter to find something to do.

But your parents have cable, so hey, that’s still cool!
With eight thousand channels, and you feel like a fool
for watching some network crap you don’t like
but that’s better than just surfing channels all night.

Then you see an old ex on the way to the store,
And she’s fat, or he’s married to that old high school whore.
And the comfort is fleeting, but at least now you’ve seen
that your life didn’t peak when you’d just turned eighteen.

So you get drunk with dad and discuss politics
and realize that hey, maybe he’s not such a prick,
and wine works much faster than cheap, shitty beer
so you start to rethink your plans for New Years.

Then you remember your plans for a productive week,
and the things that you wanted to watch, write, and read.
But instead you fall down a Wikipedia hole
and learn all about the agricultural benefits of voles.

And you watch with your parents an childhood great
which washes over you with a sentimental wave
and those annual plans you had made with your friends
are now spent at home with more emails to send,

checking twitter, and updates on Facebook for news;
you find nothing, and so open a new bottle of booze.
But when the time comes to leave, you drive off with a grin
because you can’t wait ’til next year to do it again.

Other: Par (+) tay

Hey, we have a party going on Sunday night at the house. A pre-holiday kind of thing. No sweater required. My roommates now are a little weird, but I think you’d dig them. Maybe not their friends, but it’ll be something to talk about, at least. Let me know if you want to swing by.



Post-apocalypse –

what am I supposed to do

with all this jerky?