Hi, Facebook “friends” –
Listen, I appreciate that you had a good time hanging out with me. But before you share our good time with the rest of Facebook, I have to let you know about my Rules For Tagging.
I’m really not very photogenic. I am not putting myself down here. I think I’m getting foxier the older I get. But I don’t photograph well. The pictures on my profile? VERY CAREFULLY SELECTED. So before you tag me, here are The Rules:
1) Chin. There should only be one. If there is more than one, DO NOT TAG ME.
2) Neck. There should be no sign of a wattle. If there is, DO NOT TAG ME.
3) Blemishes. If it’s a zit day (and yes, I am here to tell you that a woman in her forties still gets ’em), any and all zits must be removed via a reliable photo editor or I have the right to refuse having my likeness captured. Now, I cannot do much about my age spots, so I must either approve the lighting or insist upon the aforementioned photo editor. If you cannot or will not compromise here, DO NOT TAG ME.
4) Jowls. If you see them, DO NOT TAG ME. If you don’t know what they look like, bless your little heart. DO NOT TAG ME.
5) Hair. If my hair is jacked, DO NOT TAG ME.
6) Below the neck. If my upper arms resemble hoagie rolls, DO NOT TAG ME. If my funbags appear to be sad, forlorn, and/or resting somewhere BELOW my navel, DO NOT TAG ME. If my ass looks as though it would be better represented with the image of Yosemite Sam saying “Back Off,” DO NOT TAG ME.
In short, if the photo you want to tag meets one (or more) of the above criteria, DO NOT TAG ME. And if you DO tag me, I have the right to UNTAG myself.
Vain? Perhaps. But I like to believe I have SOME control over my Facebook presence.