Monthly Archives: October 2012

3 little things.

“lamp post assertion”

no really

officer i didn’t

think that gum

was for chewing

or that telephone pole

was for

urinating against

and i promise

i mean i swear

i will never

touch bourbon

again

***

“half-past the time you left”

i want closure

on my desk Monday morning

in a three-ring binder

with a cover,

a title page,

a bibliography,

a frontispiece including dedications,

and dog-eared pages

indicating the juicy parts

***

“midnight soliloquy”

i lost my friend in here

and after i warned him that

the flickering purple lights

and heavy smoke

would make me dizzy and disturbed

 

i lost my friend in here

he is large and loud

and ubiquitous

with bright flashing

neon tattoos

and if you aren’t careful

i mean if you haven’t been paying attention

he just might have left with you

when you weren’t looking

The 13 Types of Halloween Costume

There are an infinite number of possible Halloween costumes that any child or wistful adult can choose from each year, but did you know that there are only 13 different types of Halloween costume? It’s true, because of…reasons. Anyway, the type of costume a person chooses says much more about him or her than the costume itself, so it’s important to know which type you are.

I’ll use a fairly popular costume, the bumblebee (no, I don’t know why it’s so popular), as a template to describe each of the 13 types. The first few types refer to what the costume is, while the rest refer to how the costume is put together, so note that many of these can and do often overlap.

1. SexyYou look good, and you like that you look good, and you’re not afraid to show that you look good…but you have standards. Your bumblebee costume is form-fitting and likely to earn you a few compliments, but it’s tasteful. You wouldn’t be afraid to wear something similar on a first date.

2. Slutty—Aside from the glittery wings and the black and yellow striped mini-skirt, it’s hard to tell that you’re actually dressed in a costume and not just going to the club. People are going to tell you that you look great, but secretly they’re talking behind your back about how trashy you are. If you’re merely looking for an excuse to show off your chest, back, butt, or abs, this is the costume for you.

3. Cute—Maybe you’re in a relationship, maybe you’ve been too busy to get to the gym as much as you’d like, or maybe you aren’t the kind of person who is obsessed with looks, good, bad, or indifferent. Or maybe you just think bumblebees are fun. Cute means something different to everyone, but generally it’s easy and inoffensive while remaining in the spirit of the day.

4. Clever (also known as Funny or Look How Quirky And Cool I Am)—”No, no, no. I’m not dressing as an actualbumblebee. I’m dressing as a can of Bumble Bee Tuna Bumble Bee Tuna. My friends are dressing as a literal Chicken of the Sea and a star that kisses people. We’re gonna look so cool!”

5. Intelligent (also known as Nerdy or Boring)—”No, no, no. I’m not dressing as a bumblebee. I’m dressing as Apis mellifera scutellata, the African honey bee. My friends are dressing as Apis mellifera ligustica and Apis mellifera iberiensis. We’re gonna look so cool!”

6. Current (also known as Topical or Less Original Than It Seems)—”No, no, no. I’m not dressing as a bumblebee. I’m dressing as the Transformer Bumblebee. My friends are dressing as Optimus Prime and Megatron. We’re gonna look so cool!”

7. Stale (also known as False Clever or Delusional)—”No, no, no. I’m not dressing as just any bumblebee. I’m dressing as the girl from that Blind Melon video. My friends are dressing as Shannon Hoon and Rogers Stevens. We’re gonna look so cool!”

8. Scary—Some people never veer far from the true spirit of Halloween: scaring the bejesus out of others. Sometimes this means dressing as something legitimately terrifying like a clown or a blood-covered mental patient, and sometimes this means adding the word “zombie” in front of whatever costume is handy.

9. Weird—You know who you are, and yet you can never understand why people don’t get your costumes.

10. Advanced—You’ve got the wings, the antennae, and the stinger, and you made the whole thing yourself. A couple pieces may fall off throughout the night, but for the most part, people are going to applaud your hard work and crafting skills.

11. Hyper-Advanced—Why make your own bumblebee costume if you aren’t going to make it anatomically correct? You’ve been working on this outfit for months, cutting, sewing, and gluing every piece of black and yellow fabric you can get your hands on in an attempt to outdo every part-time crafter who thinks they can put together a decent costume in under a week. Amateurs.

12. Last-Minute—Uh oh. Halloween is tomorrow, and you still don’t have a costume! You don’t have time to put anything really complex together, but you can still come up with something good. Wait, what about that black and yellow sweater you got for your birthday? Hmm, you hate that sweater enough to cut it into a bumblebee costume! Oh, you can totally do this! Weird that the last-minute costume planning happens every year…

13. LazyIdgaf.

Which type(s) are you?

The Call

THREE FRIENDS (”B,” “C,” and “D”) stand in a circle, laughing and drinking and generally enjoying themselves, as friends are wont to do.

“A” stands downstage from the group, talking on a cellphone

A
Uh, yeah no, um…thanks. For calling. Yeah, no,
I know. Yeah. I’ll, um, I’ll talk to you later I guess.

“A” hangs up the phone, rejoins the group.

B
What’s up?

A
Nothing. Kerry, um…. Kerry died.

C
Oh. Oh my God.

B
Wow, um. I’m so sorry. Are you okay?

A
I…Yeah. I guess. Uh… (beat) Yeah.

“A” downs his/her drink.

BLACKOUT

What Now

I’ve got that heavy knot in my gut

telling me I fucked up, I know it,

everyone knows it, but

I don’t know what I did.

I can’t remember. All I have

is that feeling, something trying

to crawl up from my intestines

and hang from my vocal cords,

choking back a mystery apology.

 

You’re so good at telling me

everything I’ve done wrong.

Tell me now. Tell me

so I can go nine rounds with myself,

get my slacker ass on the ropes

and go for the KO, slam this

imperfection from my system.

 

Tell me so I’m not forced to

waterboard my memory

for false confessions and

agonizing half-thoughts

sputtered out between

cracked lips and

another vodka-rocks.

 

Shuffle my neurons and

find some plausible lie

to explain this writhing,

heavy-as-a-dying-star

sickness in my stomach.

I’m sure you’ll be right.

 

The Late Night Mistake Haiku

Hamburgers and fries
In the glow of the drive-thru
Clogs your soul with shame.

“Like” And Share If You Agree

Listen, I’m not a fan of cancer, of mental
illness. Yes, I think that little girl who’s
lost her hair is incandescently beautiful
in her struggle. To assume that because

I’m not going to copy and paste this
to my wall is somehow indicative of
apathy, of callousness, is – well – silly.
I’m here to keep in touch with my

friends from Betsy Carpenter’s
class at Emerson, circa 1994.
I’m here to promote my band,
to check in on my cousin’s boy,

the one who unabashedly
wears dresses and beams
in every picture like Mr.
America. So stop with

the percentages – the 3% who are
your REAL friends because they’ve
reposted, this alleged 97% I’m part
of, because I have not. I mean – can

we not share what is important without
these qualifiers and caveats? I imagine
us sitting, in real time, somewhere over
coffee, and you saying how much you hate

cancer, hate mental illness, and then asking
me to parrot this back to you, as 3% of your
REAL friends have done so. I don’t. So you
get your coffee to go and leave me at the table.

a brief history of your blog.

weeks 1 – 4. hey, you have nothing to do (no job, no girlfriend, no money), so you start a blog. it’s great. every day you post funny little stories about how crazy and unique your life is. like that ridiculous thing that happened at starbucks with that guy and the ridiculous thing that guy did. you’re immortal!

weeks 5 – 7. you start mixing in links to political articles from the new yorker and atlantic monthly to seem more intellectual and “with it.” maybe even a gawker or salon article. definitely an interview from the av club.

weeks 8 – 9. your stories about jerks on the freeway are getting repetitive so you start embedding youtube videos. isn’t “frustrated super mario bros. player” hilarious?! and i think this “gangnam style” business could really catch on!

weeks 10 – 12. your favorite sports team in the playoffs. unless people (a) care about sports and (b) care about your favorite sports team, they couldn’t give a crap about your blog during this period of time. and let’s face it, even if they fit both (a) and (b) they still have trouble mustering up the enthusiasm.

weeks 13 – 16. you finally got a job and have very little time during the day to post and less interest in doing it at night. now you’re posting once a week if you even remember to post at all and it’s generally something horribly mundane like “happy veterans’ day.” (no disrespect to our veterans. only disrespect to your lazy ass.)

weeks 17 – 22. you putter along at this pace, occasionally tossing up a stupid video, link to your equally sucky podcast, or a funny-but-sadly-accurate history of your blog.

weeks 23 – 25. it’s the holidays. who has time to post? if you’re lucky, you remember to post a “merry christmas” up  just in time to make the midnight deadline.

weeks 26 – 34. your blog remains untouched until you either (a) shut it down, (b) remember to post something about your favorite sports team starting training  camp or (c) lose your job.

weeks 35 – the rest of your life. hey, you never got that girlfriend. whatever happened with that?