A Note Left Before Disappearing

It’s not that I’m living a lie. The life isn’t the lie, and it’s not like life is a problem. (This isn’t that kind of thing.) The lie is that I’m a positive influence on this life. Or, should I say, the lives around me. I appreciate that many of you may think that’s not true, and that objections might be rising to your lips as we speak. (Or whatever this is.) I do appreciate it, and it speaks to the positive qualities of all of you, as well as the positive feelings I’ve worked to sow. I guess everyone, or at least everyone who has enough self-reflection in themselves to make them a worthwhile fucking human being, has wondered if they are a good person. And if they start to think they are because of the good deeds they have done, the next step is to wonder if they are actually a good person, or a bad person doing good things to hide the fact they are bad.

I’ve spent time thinking I was a bad person. And time thinking I was a good person. At this point (I almost said “in the end,” but as far as I know this isn’t the end), that distinction doesn’t matter. I know I do good things. I know some people are better off because of me — some may even be much better. But the more I’m around and the deeper I get, the more of a leech I am. I don’t know if I can link causation, but I don’t really make people happy — not when I’m in close or around for a while. There are good things and there are nice things — but not enough. Not enough to make it worthwhile.

So I’m not mad at anyone, and I’m not saying all this because I’m going to hurt myself. I just want you to know why I’m going, and why it makes sense this way. I know (and, again, appreciate) that a lot of you will be unhappy when I’m not around. A few of you will even hold onto that and not have it fade away in a short amount of time. All I can tell you is that this is better than the alternative. I tend to do more damage staying than leaving.

I understand the inherent selfishness of this, and how that contradicts the idea that I’m trying to address these problems. But here we are. I may be back, and I may see you all again. I may stay away forever — making promises I don’t keep is part of the problem, so I won’t make many. Just this one: I will keep you all in my heart wherever I end up. Thank you for everything. I may be wrong, but I think you’ll be better off for this. You’ll see.

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