Monthly Archives: December 2010


Thanks so much for your most kind invitation
to come and ring in the New Year.
I must submit this grave reservation
and admit I am staying right here.

It’s not that I don’t find you all a delight;
please don’t take my refusal that way.
It’s just that my history with this very night
is one of despair and dismay.

Take the night I was at an event where the shtick
was the “Stooge-a-thon” on the t.v.
Pick a Stooge, take a drink when your pick
takes a hit.  This did not end well for me.

One year I made plans with my sweetheart du jour
I waited and waited all night.
The next day I got a big load of manure
how he’d fallen asleep.  (I know – right?!)

I’ve been stood up, been passed out, and hit by a cork.
So tonight I am in with my mate.
I’ll watch that big ball drop in good ol’ New York
provided I stay up that late.

There Are Too Many (Part 2)

Part 2 (Ending of part 1 revised a bit)

“Hey!” His father stands at the base of the tree, waving his arms above his head, looking smaller than all those birds together above him. Some of them stare down at him as though trying to interpret his dance, but most of them ignore him, their calls drowning out his curses.

Reynold watches as his father’s arms slow their paddling. The desperation eases and turns into slow sporadic movements. It looks for a moment as though he is just swatting at a bee flying too close. Reynold has seen people give up before – the recognizable stoop of the shoulders as though something has been placed atop, the almost visible effort behind each step and subsequent motion trailing behind like a dust cloud in a cartoon. That is what he sees in his father as he aborts his mission and returns to his pickup. The engine screeches; Reynold remembers a mention of a new starter, remembers ignoring it, and watches the pickup drive down the street away from him.

The birds, emboldened by their victory, seem to get louder in the moments Reynold remains on his twin bed with his head against the window. The glass, cold and dirty, fogs with his breath, turning the mass of crows into a gray rain cloud.

“Renny.” His mother has to say his name three times before he hears her. She won’t open the door until he invites her to, and he pretends that he’s still asleep. She says his name again and the way it sounds against the calls of the birds, he feels guilty for his lie.

“Yes?” He almost has to yell.

She opens the door barely an inch, as though she’s afraid the mass of birds with their noise is waiting for her on the other side. She opens the door the rest of the way and stands there holding her gray robe against her small frame. Reynold wonders how she ever carried him around for nine months, let alone after he was born and growing.

“Go out and help your father, will you?” she asks, scratching her ankle with the toes on the opposite foot. She adjusts the sock so they are uneven and something about the way she looks like that keeps Reynold from telling her that his father’s already left.

“Yeah,” he says. She smiles at him the same way she smiled when he told her he was moving out, the same way she smiled when he showed up the first night Jenny was gone, the same way she smiles when his father says something unintentionally mean to her.

“Thanks,” she says. “I don’t want him out there yelling, waking up all the neighbors.”

Reynold pulls his coat on over the sweatpants and sweatshirt set his mother gave him for Christmas. The clothes aren’t particularly warm, but they are soft, which is its own comfort in the cold. His father’s newer work boots that he refuses to wear until his old work boots disintegrate where he stands stand guard near the front door. Reynold steps into them, his toes scrunching against the curved front of the boot that comes just a half size too soon.

The front door is unlocked, and he takes care to not slam it behind him. The crows’ yelps and caws are another presence in the yard. He wonders why no one else has come to see how to get rid of them, and the task feels much too big for him all of a sudden.

There they are before him, roughly equidistant from his ears, but they inhabit all of the distances, volumes and ranges he feels capable of hearing. There is a steady background cawing that reminds him of what his mother still believes is the ocean in the conch shell from Florida that she bought at a yard sale. It says Daytona in multiple florescent shades on it, and he’s caught her several times just sitting in her chair with the shell pressed up against her cheek with her eyes closed.

That is just the background noise of them. In the middle there is a heartbeat of caws, and he can feel the ebb, the overlapping of where a group of calls end and the next begins. Then there is the front sound, the percussion, the drum major with his perfect rhythmic marking of the full and half beats. Reynold remembers ROTC, the feel of the wooden stick in his hand shaved down to look like a rifle, painted white like the ones the girls in the color guard threw into the air during half time. Reynold had wanted to quit the ROTC the year after Brian Golden shot the better part of his ear off with his gun and the school district voted to immediately replace the real guns with their just as heavy but humiliating equivalents. His father, shaken by Reynold’s mother’s insistence that that boy was trying to kill himself, wouldn’t hear of it, and Reynold had to march around the school’s gymnasium with that harmless piece of tree.

Spain Recognizes the Independence of Mexico

And acknowledges their differences,
beginning with the fact that, from the start,
Spain never truly liked Mexico all
that much. All wonder and illusion of early
pursuits has long faded into disuse,
their once great relationship reduced to
spite and uniforms stomping through the dust.

And Mexico admires Spain, and its
hope that all remain well between the two.
Treaties and international peaces
can be administered despite the breach;
so much can be forgotten over time.

And although one stole the other’s language
(read: heart), they still share spices, soccer, god.

Last On the Shelf

I see her saunter down the aisle like a bridesmaid, beautiful, proud, and ignored. Of course, she’s wearing the pajama pants I bought her last Christmas, so it’s not like she’s actually trying to impress anyway. But she looks just as angelic as she always does, especially with that smile that says there’s snow outside. By the size of it, I’m guessing it’s the first snow of the season.

It feels just like the first time that we met; she dazzles under awful lighting, while I hang back on a shelf of some kind praying that she’ll notice me. That was six years ago, at a dive bar downtown; this time it’s at TARGET and I’m nothing but a box of LIFE Cereal left over the holiday past its expiration date. Still, I’ve probably got more going for me now than I did then, what with the lightly sweetened whole grain oats and low sodium. Six years ago, I couldn’t even afford to buy her a drink, and we still connected. Now, I can at least offer her a healthy and delicious start to her day, but somehow our relationship might be changed.

Did Jesus ever resurrect as an inanimate object? Maybe a cane, or donkey shit? I wonder if I’m eaten, will I resurrect again as something else, will I wake in heaven, where I can look down on her until she’s ready to join me? And what if no one eats me — what if one of these ignorant TARGET employees notices the expiration date on my side, and throws me in the trash? Will I rot, and die, and resurrect again, maybe as a box of Lucky Charms?

I try to wriggle, or move, or shake, something to make her take notice of me. Some way to make her take me home. But even my box is dull and nondescript, hardly the kind of thing that could excite a child, let alone an adult.

I wonder if this is punishment of some kind, purgatory for the wrongs I did in life. But the car accident that killed me wasn’t my fault — the other guy ran a light, well over the speed limit, and I just happened to be passing through the intersection. Is this God’s way of giving me another chance at life, perhaps? In my former life, I died too young (at least, in my opinion). This time, I’ve already outlived my own expiration date — but it still doesn’t feel like enough.

My thoughts stop racing just long enough for me to notice that she’s stopped in front of me, swiftly scanning through the shelves with her wide, multicolored eyes. She peruses so quickly when she’s shopping — I was never able to keep up with her. She makes her down from the top; she always scans top to bottom, right to left.

Finally, we make eye contact. Or at least I think we do, and she’s looking at the name on the front of my box. She purses her lips and smiles, and whispers to herself, “This was always his favorite breakfast.” For just one moment, I’m back in her arms again, held tightly against her warm chest; it seems to last a lifetime, and when I resurrect, I’m still a box of LIFE cereal, but now I’m sitting at the bottom of a grocery basket, going home with the woman of my dreams.

When flu shots don’t work

I know this will probably ruin your Christmas, but Part 2 of “There Are Too Many” will have to wait until next week. Despite receiving my first flu shot in about ten years, I have something slightly resembling the flu. Guh. Merry Christmas.

The Flight Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and I was afraid:
A blizzard had blown in; my flight was delayed.

My stocking was hung in a house far away
In hopes that I’d make it home by Christmas Day.

The airport was buzzing with passengers stranded,
Whose holiday hadn’t gone quite as they’d planned it.

And mom’s to their children were muttering, “Crap!
We might as well find ourselves somewhere to nap.”

When out on the runway arose such a clatter
I sprung from my spot against the wall where I had been charging my cell phone and playing Solitaire to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Knocking a European family aside with a crash.

The moon brightly shone through the buffeting snow,
But what we were looking for I didn’t know.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer

And a great bearded Santa in a bright orange vest
Who was guiding the pilots through that frosty mess!

The tower lost power; he was all on his own
As he waved to the planes with those glowing red cones:

“Now Phoenix! Now Houston! Now Dallas/Ft. Worth!
On Cleveland! On Newark, you folks were here first!

To the top of the runway, airlines great and small!
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!”

Like coastal folks fleeing a great hurricane,
A mad rush of people tried boarding our plane.

They jostled and grunted like apes at the zoo
as stewards attempted to usher them through.

I flashed them my ticket and rushed to my seat,
Hardly believing this miracle treat.

And then, once the passengers all were aboard,
They stowed the last luggage; they closed the last door,

While I at my window glanced out to the wing
And saw quite a magical, wonderful thing:

Santa called out from the seat of his sleigh
And the blizzard subsided, the winds died away!

The snow seemed to melt right in front of my eyes
As Santa’s eight reindeer leapt up to the sky!

The pilots all followed, and mine not the last,
All hoping this break in the weather would last.

Some veered north to Portland, some south to L.A.,
But ours kept up close behind dear Santa’s sleigh.

He guided us onward straight into the stars;
No flight ever flown sped so smoothly as ours!

When we landed, thank heavens, the runways were clear,
But gone were our guide and his special reindeer.

We couldn’t find Santa, his reindeer or sleigh;
Their mission accomplished, they’d flown straight away.

We taxi’d a moment once we’d safely touched down,
Grateful to finally be back on the ground.

How could it have happened? Was it some kind of trick?
A break from the blizzard! A visit from St. Nick!

No one dared to speak once we’d emptied the plane;
Our families would all think we’d gone quite insane,

But we knew he’d been there, that he’d yelled to the night,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!”


O dear, sweet Avocado. Who was I before I met your plump lips? Your voluptuous green meat, hidden from my world by your blackened shell. Where once I found you disgusting, revolting without reason, I am forever grateful for the day that my heart let you in, and I was deemed worthy of your sweet ecstasy. How could I have expected that the more rotten your exterior appears, the more luscious, juicy, and bright you are within? How could I have lived so long without your nourishment, and your significant contribution of Vitamin B6 to my diet, bringing my dreams to more vivid life and attempting to soothe my Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder? You bring focus into my life, Avocado, and you bring life into my dreams, and so it would stand to reason that it is you who bring my dreams to life. They call you climacteric, because you ripen off the tree, but I believe it is because you are a climax in and of yourself. A delicious, creamy green climax.

I love you so much that I don’t even care if your name means “testicle” in the Nahuatl Aztec tongue, because, to be honest with you, Avocado, I might even go gay if you asked me to.

Not that, you know, I’m gay or anything. I just really like avocados. The fruits, I mean.

(Although, technically, they’re berries. No, seriously.)