Ode to Nicole Scherzinger, Or: What’s New, Pussycat?

Today is Nicole Scherzinger’s 32nd birthday, if you can believe it, so I thought I’d provide a little background info on everyone’s favorite Pussycat Doll before wooing her electronically with my poetic charm.

Name: Nicole Prescovia Elikolani Valiente Scherzinger
Date of Birth: June 29, 1978 (obviously)
Location: Honolulu, Hawaii
Occupation: Singer, Songwriter, Dancer, Actress, Model, Extremely Sexy Female, Future Mrs. Brian P. McGackin
Associated Acts: Pussycat Dolls, Eden’s Crush, Days of the New (backup vocals)
Years Active: That’s a personal question, so you’d have to ask her. I’d imagine some point in the early 90s, though.
Major Accomplishments: Winner-season 10 of Dancing with the Stars; 311’s song “Amber” was written about her; being sexy

Ode to Nicole Scherzinger, Or: What’s New, Pussycat?

I bet you’ve heard that one before.
Damn, when I saw you here I swore
I’d play it cool, maybe act tough,
you’d see me less like Derek Hough
and more the sort of scruffy guy

who drives your own pussy-cat wild.
I’ve got a kind of Eden’s Crush—
no, wait a minute, that’s too much.
I’ve got to try and hopefully
maintain some sense of dignity.

Unless that turns you on? Tell me,
what do you think? No? Possibly?
Maybe you like the nerdy type,
all nervous ‘cus your clothes fit tight
around your ass and show your abs

without a single inch of flab;
and yet, your sexy silhouette,
the solid line beneath that dress,
your thighs, the way you shake your hips
like liquid sandstone, making this

cute guy tape Dancing with the Stars
so someday, when they grow up, our
children can see their mother’s face,
they’ll see your smile, aplomb, your grace,
the moment when you win first place.

I know that you don’t need a man
but I’m no ordinary fan;
I’ll stick with you until you see
our love is real, I’m not some creep…

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