How to Make Love to a Robot

(or Other Synthetic Object with Simulated Intelligence and Emotional Response)

a.

Always carry extra lubricants,
oil to keep the pistons pumping,
pulsating properly, gears grinding hard
while the parts glide smooth like rivers,
streams, greased chains helping you
maintain a steady flow, mechanical rhythm.

Squeaking parts are fine, often preferred.

b.

When establishing a safe word,
try to program it in as a verbal
command function, a voice-activated
off-switch just in case.

Alternatively, keep your robot on a cord plugged into
a nearby wall and give it a hard tug when you think it’s time.

c.

Always give your robot time to warm up.

g.

Despite claims to the contrary,
you will find a nerve cluster or
pleasure center present on most
machines that functions as a
central Gravity Spot.

Apply pressure as needed.

j.

If 01101001001 — 10010110100010101101
10001010001110, 10000101100010 0110110
0101111. 000110101 010 1010001110 101110
011001, 01101 110 0101011110101001 111001;
1010001, but never in the shower or the rain.

Lifetime warranties do not cover water damage

k.

Do not cross wires.

m.

Always position yourself on top of
or horizontal to your robot.

Unless you are seeking auto-asphyxiation
pleasure from being crushed, in which case,
please refer to safeword rule b. above.

p.

Be both gentle and rough; use discretion to determine
the sensitivity level appropriate for each situation.

q.

Keep your robot’s batteries fresh at all times
(Duracell recommended); do not allow your robot’s
energy cells to run dry mid-function or you risk
a hazardous crash, without option for reboot.

t.

Always use protection. Latex or Rubber
boots are recommended to establish proper
grounding and allow residual or excessive
electrical current to flow through your feet
into the ground.

Chainmail is not an acceptable form of protection
and should only be used in roleplaying (see rule b.).

y.

Above all else,
do not remove the screw.

4 responses to “How to Make Love to a Robot

  1. If your robot told you that she named Cameron, just kiss her and be happy for the rest of your life.

  2. pretty damn good.

  3. dude, thom, i linked to this from my site. As we don’t post our names directly on our 5×500’s, some might think i wrote this and i’m sorry and will deny it till the day i die. this is one of the funniest things i’ve ever read and any way i can sew my lips to it, i will.
    gov.

  4. Pingback: (5 x 500) x 500 = (7 x 500) | thom dunn

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