OK. You can’t repeat this.
The other day I went to go visit my grandma in the hospital, and she told me a story that shook me to my effin’ core. It went as follows:
“I used to travel a lot. But I don’t anymore. It’s been years. Would you help me take my socks off? I have to wait for a foot massage from the girl.
“Your grandfather and I, we traveled all over the world. He wanted to try everything, your grandpa. One time we went to Thailand, and he wanted to get a massage there. Well, we asked the concierge at the hotel, and he told us where to go. He said to go for such-and-such a place, and ask for number 4.
“Well, we got there, and it turned out that the numbers were for different girls – they had the pictures of the girls up on the walls with numbers next to them, so you could order with the number or pointing at a picture, like in a Chinese restaurant. Your grandpa picked some other number. I asked him why, and he said, ‘I didn’t like the looks of that one.’ I said, ‘OK.’
“So your grandpa got his girl and I got mine, and we went into adjoining rooms. Well, you know me. I wasn’t in there for five minutes before I started asking that girl her life story. Did she have kids, was she married, does she have a boyfriend, and so on.
“About a half an hour in, the door busts open and a girl runs in hysterically crying. I look up and sure enough, it’s the girl that grandpa had picked for his masseuse!
“I said, ‘What’s wrong; what’s going on?’ And she said, ‘Your husband, your husband!’
“I tried to calm her down. Finally, I got her to stop crying and I said, ‘Honey, what is it? My husband? What’s wrong?’
“The girl, well. She looked at me through her hands, and she just said, -“
And remember, this is my grandma telling me this, from her hospital wheelchair. My grandma grabbed my hand and told me that the girl, through a shimmering film of tears, looked up at her and said:
“‘Your husband. He no wanna have-a sex! Why he no wanna have-a sex?'”
Imagine your grandma telling you this in her best ching-chang-chong voice. In the middle of a hospital room. While holding your hand. And talking about your grandpa.
My family is amazing. And wonderful.